sky

Here's a pic from my trip while back. I love the sky. I have no idea why this is underlining itself but whatever. The sky has been doing all sorts of fancy and beautiful things this past while and I could look at it for hours, given the time and solitude. Happy Friday everyone!

I have issues

News flash, right?? haha.

If you read Rox, then you already know the story. Thing is, I am feeling completely out of sorts about not knowing why or how this guy died, and feeling sick for his family, and then there's all the other stuff. Like him being my first love and my "first". Then being sorely disappointed to realize how screwed up he was but spending way too long trying to "fix" him, until I made myself so crazy and him too , that it all ended horribly and hatefully. I held on to that resentment for many many years, and partly because of the problems our relationship had caused between me and my parents. Last year, I decided to bury the hatchet and contact him. Part of me wanted him to still love me and a bigger part of me wanted him to be happy and not living in the past anymore. It quickly became apparent that he was still firmly entrenched and really wanted to meet up and spend time together. I knew what it meant and it scared the hell out of me, but I thought well maybe if I just try to talk to him and explain my side, I can"fix" all of it now. News flash, I have issues. And now I feel guilty for once again writing him off and deserting him in all his depression and dysfunction. I'm afraid he took his life and left his two children and the woman who has loved him all these years and that I may be partly to blame even though it was never my intention to hurt him. I feel so yukky and bewildered and enslaved by all this crap from the past. All these weird feelings and thoughts are running through my mind, and I don't like it much.

I hope he's in a better place and he knows I tried to be what I was able to for him, both times around.

I hope he finally feels peace.

I hope there really is a heaven for him, he was never really that happy here on earth.

I hope he knows I'm sorry that I hurt him in order to save myself.

I hope his kids and wife make it through ok.

Rest in peace, DDS.

Gone

Last Monday she got her terminal diagnosis. Last night she died at home. Her 15 month old daughter is there but she had no chance to write a letter for her or make a video or even say goodbye with a kiss. When they thought it might be back in September her parents took the baby back east since she was sick and in pain. Then they told her it looked like maybe it wasn't back but she still felt so sick and had so much pain while they waited for tests that she couldn't care for the baby so she stayed put with the grandparents. By the time they got her back to her mother it was too late. I've never met them but I feel such incredible pain about it. I cried on and off all day with K as she talked about it with tears rolling down her face. We have no coverage for her so she had to come to work but left early so she could help the family. She lost her mother the same way, and very quickly, when she was 16 years old. My heart is aching for them all. Even the thought of leaving my children behind makes me throb inside. I wish cancer would fuck off.