I'm in transit

I am not a big fan of transitioning. Nope, not really my thing. I like a comfy groove, a regular routine, with a little spice here and there to keep things interesting, but no major upheavals is fine with me.
Thus, I am feeling a bit lost. I left my job, which I loved, in a fit of anger and disgust, and then found myself wondering what I really wanted. The job can be obtained elsewhere with the same hours and pay, yet I hesitate to pursue it. Even though I loved it, my life was too busy a lot of the time, with after school care, and overtime with the doctors, and now the fall activities have started....So I think to myself that maybe this was some karmic thing where I am meant to be elsewhere, even though I hesitate to embrace such lofty notions of fate vs. chance. People say that things are "meant to be" but I wonder about such belief systems. If that were truly the case, does that mean that all the starving, abused, suffering people in the world were meant to have such awful lives? I just can't buy it. So anyways,.......I tend to re-evaluate my endoctrinations and think that this may be an opportunity to find another avenue in nursing that will provide more flexibility and rewards in the form of client interaction.
So......I accepted a job doing home care. I think it will be fine, but it may bore me. Which brings me to the next part of the sordid problem I am having. I could refresh my RN and get back into that and go the whole route of Community Health that I had originally wanted all those years ago before I fell off the tracks, so to speak. The idea of this frightens me, though. With that title comes a great deal of responsibility, and I am a bit of an avoider in that dept. Maybe it's time I grew up. I don't know. And the course is completely FREE now, since the demand is so high for nurses, so I'd be nuts not to do it.
Still I hesitate. I made the call and have a date and time for the next info session. I guess I'll just go and see what happens. How I feel. That sort of thing.
Did I mention how much I hate transition?

Wow, I finally figured out how to log back into this stupid thing. I guess it's like any neglected relationship, it's hard to get back in. I had to reset my password yet again just to log in.
Things are new, and things are old.
I have a wild story to tell, but I won't because it's long and self involved. Suffice it to say, I have suffered some major sexual discrimination, not to mention backhanded lowballing, at my place of work and resigned my position on Friday in a major shitstorm. It was far from pretty. I left my job under the worst of circumstances and I rose my voice and shed tears while I did it, so I feel regretful and justified all at the same time. Thing is, I know I'll find another likely better job, and I know that they were foolish to treat me poorly and all will be good in the end, so whatever, but it bothers me that I let my emotions dictate my behaviour and I was unable to contain myself.
I wish I were more cool, calm, and collected, but I'm not. Whatever.
I went out with some girls tonight for a few drinks and munchies and it was a good time. Came home before I got too inebriated and wanted to dance all night, (as I am known to do), and decided to post, since I do it so often and all. haha.
I am going to be a bit footloose and fancy free the next little while here, so we'll see if I can find some interesting and constructive ways to pass the time.....I'll try to keep you posted.....

madonna , celexa, and snow

I really have nothing to say, and yet I have a lot to say I suppose. I've been away so long I wouldn't know where to start. Summer is so short here, and it's flying by. I know I should live in the moment but I can't help but see how the days are sailing away from me!

We had a week away as soon as school ended, and it was really good. A very long drive up to northern BC with an overnight on the way to break it up a bit, and then a week of sunshine and the beach with the kids and being well fed and taken care of. It was really rough on me, let me tell ya. Then the MIL came back with us for two weeks and took care of the house, the kids, and the cooking while I worked. Again, poor me! haha. I was actually sad to see her go for the first time ever. Not only am I the new and improved version on my meds, but she is the new and improved version and on good behaviour since last year. Put the two together and you find peace and harmony, it's like magic I tell you!

I'm working too much this summer to cover for a co worker who is having a joint replacement surgery. I'm trying to look at it as a means to get me some new furniture and a new vehicle perhaps. My parents and brother will come to help out as well, so I get my visiting in while I work through the week, it's all good.

I am still waiting with limited hope for some Madonna tickets to pan out for us, but it's not looking too good for us over here. Wah! I'm not even the hugest fan but I would really love to see her once. I also missed out on Radiohead and Coldplay tickets so I guess it's not my year to be a party girl. Dammit, I guess it really IS all downhill after 40....I kid. I actually think 40 is my new 25. For years, I went on and on about 25 being a huge year for me, where I went through huge growth and changes and it stuck out as being wonderful. Well now 40 is the one. Me loves me some 40.

Anyways, I don't even know if anyone bothers by anymore, but if you do, I hope you're well in your corner of life. Don't eat yellow snow.

Let's Hear it for the Tunez!

I have taken to jogging again. A little sunshine was all it took to get me moving. Now if only it would stay and stop snowing on and off we'd be good to go. I had to use the old treadmill tonight since it was cold and windy. Brrr...

Oh, but the tunez. Yeah. I love to jog to some good music. On the old ipod tonight I listened to:

1. Annie Lennox- Womankind
2. The Cure- Just Like Heaven
3. Silversun Pickups-Checkered Floor
4. Annie Lennox-Ghosts in My Machine
5. Red Hot Chili Peppers- My Friends
6. The Cure- Fight
7. Blondie-Hangin on the Telephone
8. John Mayer- Something's Missing

Good times dudes. Couldn't do so much of my life if I had no music.

Love and peace out.

Somebody needs a shot to the fucking head

So, I guess an explanation is in order.

As soon as we moved in here and met our one set of neighbors, it became glaringly apparent that buddy on the south was an anal type A control freak. However, we have always maintained a friendly rapport over the fence. I knew by his comments and by the way he babied his yard that he found the state of my own disappointing at best. Whatever. I mean, I care, but not enough to spend hours trying to get it up to some Gardening magazine's standards or anything.

Last summer, he spent a fair bit of money filling in the wire fencing only on our shared side with privacy slats, and I can only assume it was because he didn't like the sight of my yard. Again, whatever, I don't really care. Good for him for taking matters into his own hands.

When we told them we were getting a puppy, his tone began to change. Again, whatever. When he asked me how she was and what to expect from her in the way of barking, I said let me know if you have a problem, but it will be a work in progress and something I will be actively working on. Didn't see or hear from him much for a bit. Then I saw him a while back and asked if her occasional yapping here and there was a bother and he said No it's fine. She's learning, she's a pup, blah blah blah......But......

He wanted to let me know that he had a weak stomach and he was really concerned about having to look at the poo in my yard and whenever he sat down to eat and looked out his window and saw it there it made him feel really sick and could I please not leave it there. He went on the express the dire need for me to ensure I didn't leave the frozen ones out there to melt as it would be just awful and disgusting and more than he could take. I assured him that I had been cleaning it all up as best I could and was trying my best to get it all out as the ice melted down and that I was sorry it bothered him and would clean up by his window. Here's me thinking, wow, guy's got nerve, but whatever, it must be bad over there, I'll go clean it up. So I trot out with a bag only to find 3 little turds spread amongst dead leaves and cedar chips that he is obviously ASSUMING are turds since he is and ANAL FREAK. Again, whatever.

I was nothing but polite and apologetic and assured him that I was not interested in annoying my neighbors with my dog, blah blah blah, smile smile, be gracious as he acts like an obnoxious little fuck. Whatever, I am nice as shit to people. To a point.

He and his wife and kids went away for a week or two and had been back for about 3 days come this past Sunday. I had gone to the city to shop with a friend and was in the "Costo's" when the phone rang and it was my very upset and adamant husband on the phone. He said I needed to go get an anti-bark collar ASAP as Fuckhead had just come over yelling and getting in his face about my dog. WTF????

Apparently she was outside and hubby was dealing with a sibling dispute as she barked at the neighbor kids in their yard when they came outside. She is saying hi and wanting them to say hi and then she will go on her way. I mean, she's not seen them in a while and it's the middle of the day and again, whatever. Their dad, the crazy neighbor, is working in the garage, sawing wood and building shit and my dog is preventing him from getting anything done, she is barking at them every time they come outside, she is waking them up all hours of the night, and if we don't do something about it, he will call the town animal control officer and file a complaint. W admonishes him for being rude and aggressive and says, yes the barking is an issue (SUPER HUGE WTF?????) and says it's not his dog and that I am working on it and we will get a collar for her, sorry. HHHHHUUUUUUHHHHHHH????? I was so infuriated by the whole entire situation that I am still recovering from my rage and it's 3 days later.

She does NOT bark all hours of the night whatsoever, and when she does bark at all, it is a couple of minutes at the most, so it's just a crock of shit, and I am deeply offended by the blatant lying and exxageration. That fucking guy hasn't even been in town for the past two weeks for God's sake. Oh and thanks W for defending me and my little girl so valiantly. Yeah.

I got a collar that sprays her in the face with citronella if she barks so she is not making a peep anymore, but I am annoyed that I had to do it even though we were making such great progress and it is only necessary because my FUCKHEAD neighbor is a psychotic control freaking asshole. I yelled and ranted in my kitchen with mine and his windows open about him and how that's just fine, cuz next time he decides to have a big all night party maybe I might have a call or two to make, or next time me and my kids are breathing in his second hand cigarette smoke over the fence I may have a thing or two to say, or maybe when he mows his fucking lawn at dawn on a Saturday how I might have a call to make.

I'm a very nice neighbor, unless you decide you want to fucking be an asshole. Of course, I said all of this loudly and really considered picking up all the poop and depositing it directly under his kitchen window for a week or two, but because I am not an asshole, I likely will not do any of those things. I'm too fucking nice for that shit, or my own good, for that matter. I hate that little fucker now though, and he will never again be in my good books. He's been hiding ever since, but I did speak nicely with his wife and indirectly talked about the issue(s), of which she had none by the way. What a fucking surprise. Not.

If he sees me, he may just want to head the other direction quickly though. I have a couple of things I want to say. And I probably outweigh him by about 10 or 15 pounds, so he better watch out. I took kickboxing you know-haha. Fucking weasel.

GGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Just a quick note on my lunch break to say my next door neighbor is a FUCKING DOG HATING SON OF A BITCH!!!!! The gloves have come off and he is a freak. I have one thing to say to that fucker, "Shit flies two ways, buddy". More to come.

I am raging inside today. Can you tell?

The times they are a changin'

Careful what you wish for......I got the new job I was wanting!!!!! I am nervous and excited to do something new, yet old. It seems ages since I finished my nursing training, and for reasons I won't really elaborate on, I chose not to pursue it as a career. Mostly though, that decision was based in fear. Fear of failure, of not having what it took, of screwing up and hurting someone, of not being able to handle the pressure. Part of that was right, because with the anxiety issues I was having, I didn't feel capable of handling it. And I probably wasn't.

Since I started taking medication, I am finally able to see my fears more clearly, and feel ready to face them, which is HUGE for me. So, a couple of months back, I started to really think about going back to what I had wanted to do so long ago. I considered just taking a refresher and going for it, but then I decided to take some baby steps and look for a job in a clinic first and see how it felt for me. And that is how I got to this point. Whew.....new chapter time, folks. But I feel ready, even if a bit scared to look stupid. I know I know I should be used to it-heehee.

I sat down here to write my resignation letter for my current job, and the guilt over leaving them is making me procrastinate. They have been really acommodating (sp?) and I know they'll be a bit lost without me as far as covering holidays and such. It's so hard for them to find people who aren't useless, so I know they'll struggle a bit. I will miss them all too, it was a good group to work with, and there's certainly something to be said for that.

My feelings of guilt aren't enough to stop me from yelling "WOOHOO!" I will be free from that mind numbing, annoying, dirty job I had, and I will be challenged in a way that interests me. And I won't have to wear that ugly, embarrassing blue vest any more, double WOOHOO!

The kids have been home on spring break all week and it is now Friday-YAY! It's great to spend time with them, and they say they don't miss school but they complain A LOT about being bored unless they have friends here. Luckily a lot of friends have been around this week so it's been tolerable. I was thinking if I didn't get this job, then I might just quit and stay home for the summer...................HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, What the FUCK was I thinking? No, I did my time at home, and momma needs other distractions, thankyou. I still get plenty of time with them so it all works out if you work 2-3 days a week.

My friend and I are dissolving the recycling business as of the end of summer so that'll be one less thing keeping me overly busy as well. She got preggers and since all the equipment was hers, I opted to give it up when she decided to. Which is totally cool with me, it was a lot of work for not much money. I just hope that all the people we got doing it who weren't before will keep on with it, and find some other way to take it to the depot.

Well the sun is shining madly today but they are calling for freezing temps this weekend so I need to herd everyone outside for some movement and fresh air. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!!!

Ciao bellas!

Once a month whether you like it or not....

Maybe this blog is like a menstrual cycle, a once a month purge??
I don't even know where to start.
My life has been so insanely busy that it is ridiculous. I don't know how people do this pace and enjoy it and succumb to it as normalcy. If it weren't for meds, I would have lost my flippin' mind. Working 4-5 days a week and having kids activities every night and most of the weekends has pretty much used up every single spare moment I have, and left me no time for cleaning or organizing or maintaining friendships, and certainly not for blogging. I have been reduced to reading them sporadically and not even having time to comment. Sad, really.
And because I'm a fucking sucker for punishment, I decided two weeks ago to paint my family room, which is an entire floor of the house. Yeah. Two weeks later, and I am pretty much done finally. I chose colors that are not in fashion, but are colors I love. Rox made me promise to take a before pic and I said I would, and then I promptly neglected to do so. However, I chose a deep rusty red for two walls, a golden ochre color for three walls, and a deep olive green for two. That's a lot of friggin walls if you ask me. I love it, but it is a lot darker and I need some more lighting in the space to warm it up the way I really want it.
Hockey is done now, as of yesterday. So is skating, and gymnastics, and we now have one more week of swimming and then it's all free and clear until soccer starts in May, so I will love the much needed break. Spring is trying to spring here, but every few days we get more cold and a bit of snow and then it all warms right up again, so I can't complain. I feel the fever starting, and I like it.
I also applied for a couple of new jobs, with the hope of less days of work and more money. We'll see. It would be a bit more challenging, which would be a refreshing yet scary change. Since I had my kids, I've taken fairly fluffy, simple, low stress jobs, and it was fine, but now I'm bored and frustrated with my work, and I want more. We'll see if it all pans out. If not, I may just take the summer off altogether and get some shit done around home. And relax, drink beer, and eat bonbons of course. Oh, and watch my kids fight and wish I had a job to go to so I could have a break from it all-haha.
Oh and I had a fucking root canal this week too. That was F-U-N. Sitting for three hours with your jaw cranked open and full of hardware. Good times. And my cracked tooth is still bothering me, which I don't get. If the root is gone, I thought it wasn't supposed to hurt anymore, isn't that the whole goddamn point?? So yeah, $2000 later and another appointment to go and another $300-$400 and I better be able to chew on the right side of my mouth after this. Fuck. Me no like. And I'm not even dentist phobic or anything. Imagine if I was, they would have to knock me out for that bullshit, let me tell ya.
My dog had her first haircut a while back and I didn't even have time to post the pics I took. She is so damn cute. We passed our puppy school class which was good cuz it was a little touch and go there, I thought. I was having a little moment about the shame of failing puppy school so I have to admit I was relieved when she did her stuff well and listened. Have I mentioned I love her?? Cuz I do. I had no idea I would love her so.
And that said, I have to corral some other little people, one of whom I love, and send my son and his friend to bed, cuz you KNOW they'll be up at the f-in crack of dawn even though they are up late, cuz that's the shit they do on weekends when there's no school and they should be tired and sleeping in. Remind me of the complaining when he's 14 and all he wants to do is sleep. I promised pancakes for breakfast so I should get my own crusty old ass to bed too.
Ciao for now, peeps. If anyone is still even out there that is.

I know but I don't know......

I doubt anyone is even checking anymore(haha) but yes, I am still alive. Not ill, not depressed, not off on a tropical vacation, just not at all motivated to blog.

It must be the post Christmas/deep freeze winter phenomenon. I feel tired and lazy and wishing for more time off from the hectic routine I've created for myself. Sigh. I feel a great need, guilt driven mostly, to make sure my kids have enough going on in their lives that they are stimulated in a variety of ways and are exposed to a lot so they will find something they like to do and hopefully not become total druggies in their teens. Fear motivates me apparently. In a lot of ways, not just with my kids.

Thus, I am too busy, and wishing I wasn't but continuing to be so I can avoid guilt. About the kids, about spending too much money, about the dog. So I work too much for my liking, run around with the kids A LOT, and started puppy school even though I barely have time to pooh half the time. Oh well, I know that is the same life as lots of people are living, but I have the winter blahs so I am whining......and whining some more.

It is so goddamn cold here this past week or so it's not funny. We had a horrible windy snow storm the other night and my friggin hood fan in my kitchen was jam packed with snow. I had to pull it apart and scoop it out by the handful. Every orifice on the outside of my house and roof were packed about 3 feet deep in snow, so very not cool. W was home sick and had to go out in the freezing for two hours to unclog it all so we could circulate air and not die of CO poisoning. Fun times, I tell you. Jan and Feb are notorious for being bitterly cold up here and this year is no fucking exception. It's really the only time of year I wish I lived elsewhere. Where I don't know, just somewhere else, with preferably a chauffeur, housekeeper, and nanny, and maybe I could wake up next to Brad Pitt every morning, and when I looked in the mirror I would have big puffy lips, and.......oh forget it. Fuck! Skip the lips, I'll take the rest though, haha.

Looks like a new chapter of life is starting here yet again, and I'm really hoping that we don't end up moving. I hate moving, with a passion beyond words. I am so done with it. I have moved more times than I care to count and the last two were really brutal, about did me in, so pray for us that something good comes our way and we can stay where we are. I am trying to go with the flow but I am worried. Things always work themselves out, but not always in the way we envision them, so that is the part I fret about. Such is life.

Well if any of you actually read this, thanks for stopping by and I hope you are all well and are not freezing your asses off.

Ciao for now!

Sappy dog lovers unite!

Yes it's official. I love my dog.

I always used to think people who cried excessively over or doted on their dogs as though they were children, were, well, a bit silly. Overly emotional, dramatic, shall we say.

I dropped Casey off this morning for her spay. She knew something was up, no food, leaving with us to take kids to school, then to the vet. Tail was firmly between legs, legs bent, shaking like a damn leaf, and my heart almost cracked leaving her there. I felt her fear and I started tearing up just like all the other softies I inwardly scoffed at all these years.

Fuck. Guess I really am a dramatic sap after all. Or maybe I'm just normal, whatever that means. I am always embarrassed crying in front of other people, it's not my thing. So when I was berating myself and apologizing to the girl, she said something like, "If you didn't cry, we would think it unusual, this is what everyone does." Oh well then, I guess it's ok to be a blubbering idiot. Sorry, not I. A few drops fell and that was it. Done. I am worried though and feel so sad for her being all alone with strangers overnight.

In other news, I am finally done my shopping, but it is all hidden all over the place and not wrapped. I just sent some cards and a couple of parcels yesterday, and it cost me more to send them than it did for the contents! I had to express them so they would arrive on time, and then after that, I thought, damn! Why didn't I send them on the trusty Greyhound (our national bus service)?? It would have been faster and so much less expensive! Duh. Next year.

I got my real tree last night. I have a very old fake one that I let the kids decorate however they like. It always kind of drove me a little crazy inside having it look so mish mashy and uncoordinated, and lopsided, so when we moved here a couple of years ago, in one of my many efforts to soothe my insanity, I bought all gold and cream ornaments and accessories and started a new tradition of mommy's tree. I love this new tradition, it truly provides me so much pleasure that it is a bit obscene. Tonight I dress my pretty tree and sit before it with a glass of rum and nog. After the concert and bake sale that we are doing at the school that is.

My parents and brother arrive tomorrow and the insanity of the season begins. I love it. A few other family members sprinkled here and there and lots of fun and food.

Right after New Year's my parents and siblings are heading to Regina for my nephew's grad from RCMP basic training. Crazy. I remember him still as a little boy. Now he's this big tall man with a whole new set or responsibilities.

I should be at the gym right now getting some exercise, but I felt the need to blog. I'd best be getting my shortcake/buttertart/lemon slice ass moving though.

Happy Hol's peeps!!!!

oh lordy

It is likely not the best time to be posting, as I have been out all night imbibing, but I needed to say hi to everyone and let you know I am still alive and well and am just busy and distracted these days. I must sleep though, I am grossly deprived and am over a huge hump of busy-ness now-yay! i hope all of you are well and are getting into the wonderful Christmas spirit! Even though I'm not really religious, it's still my favorite time of the year, just all the magic and anticipation and spirit of it all. I have such great memories of it, family and love and giving, it's all good, no complaints.

Peace to all of you!

sky

Here's a pic from my trip while back. I love the sky. I have no idea why this is underlining itself but whatever. The sky has been doing all sorts of fancy and beautiful things this past while and I could look at it for hours, given the time and solitude. Happy Friday everyone!

I have issues

News flash, right?? haha.

If you read Rox, then you already know the story. Thing is, I am feeling completely out of sorts about not knowing why or how this guy died, and feeling sick for his family, and then there's all the other stuff. Like him being my first love and my "first". Then being sorely disappointed to realize how screwed up he was but spending way too long trying to "fix" him, until I made myself so crazy and him too , that it all ended horribly and hatefully. I held on to that resentment for many many years, and partly because of the problems our relationship had caused between me and my parents. Last year, I decided to bury the hatchet and contact him. Part of me wanted him to still love me and a bigger part of me wanted him to be happy and not living in the past anymore. It quickly became apparent that he was still firmly entrenched and really wanted to meet up and spend time together. I knew what it meant and it scared the hell out of me, but I thought well maybe if I just try to talk to him and explain my side, I can"fix" all of it now. News flash, I have issues. And now I feel guilty for once again writing him off and deserting him in all his depression and dysfunction. I'm afraid he took his life and left his two children and the woman who has loved him all these years and that I may be partly to blame even though it was never my intention to hurt him. I feel so yukky and bewildered and enslaved by all this crap from the past. All these weird feelings and thoughts are running through my mind, and I don't like it much.

I hope he's in a better place and he knows I tried to be what I was able to for him, both times around.

I hope he finally feels peace.

I hope there really is a heaven for him, he was never really that happy here on earth.

I hope he knows I'm sorry that I hurt him in order to save myself.

I hope his kids and wife make it through ok.

Rest in peace, DDS.

Gone

Last Monday she got her terminal diagnosis. Last night she died at home. Her 15 month old daughter is there but she had no chance to write a letter for her or make a video or even say goodbye with a kiss. When they thought it might be back in September her parents took the baby back east since she was sick and in pain. Then they told her it looked like maybe it wasn't back but she still felt so sick and had so much pain while they waited for tests that she couldn't care for the baby so she stayed put with the grandparents. By the time they got her back to her mother it was too late. I've never met them but I feel such incredible pain about it. I cried on and off all day with K as she talked about it with tears rolling down her face. We have no coverage for her so she had to come to work but left early so she could help the family. She lost her mother the same way, and very quickly, when she was 16 years old. My heart is aching for them all. Even the thought of leaving my children behind makes me throb inside. I wish cancer would fuck off.

Chicken Little

Holy crap.

I have PMS. It's a cranky time, but not a psycho cranky time so I can't really complain.

My life is so busy and will be for the next couple of weeks as I'm covering holidays for someone so am working more than I really wish to. I am having a really hard time finding time to go to that gym I joined and it's rankling me because the desire is there, but the means is not. I'm going to a yoga class in the morning though and I hear you have to get there early to get a spot on the floor so I hope I make it in.

My kids are so excited about the massive sugar blast tomorrow! They party and binge all day at school so they're good and fucked up before you even get them home. Then you try to force some broccoli into them and clean the crumbs and drool off their wrinkled costumes and forge out into the cold to fill bags and buckets full of tooth decaying crap. WOOHOO! What a party it is though. I remember how fun it was for us and I get it, but as a parent it feels a bit obscene to me. haha.

A woman I work with just found out her 31 year old SIL who has a 1 year old baby has terminal cancer. Fuck. That is so not fair. I know she also lost her mother to cancer so this is just so not cool. I didn't know what to say to her and I didn't want to make her cry. It's fucking awful. Damn cancer anyways.

We were talking today about all this crap talk about how our premier is upping the oil and gas royalties in our province, and now all the oil and gas people are fucking crying about it and saying they'll have to leave so they can make money, and we better be careful what we support because our costs will increase if it happens, blah fucking blah. I call bullshit first off. So they make a few million less, they still make a fuck of a lot of money so boo hoo. And also, maybe if they want to go elsewhere, they should. Then maybe we can support some alternative energy sources that won't vaporize the damn planet and they can lose their friggin monopoly and we can call it a success. I don't buy that propaganda that starts up every time big business thinks their bottom line is going to suffer, and all of a sudden the damn sky is falling. WHAT-EVER!
I wish people in this province would pull their greedy heads out of their asses sometimes.

Rant over. Whew, I feel better now.
Caio babies.

I love annie

I know, I know. I have not changed religions, not that I had one to begin with. I am not anti-blogging, I am not sad, I am not injured, I am just so friggin busy that I barely have time to pee. Other that life being super busy lately, I am doing great, for all of those who care. And I thank you for caring, I really do. :)

After I returned from my wonderful beautiful weekend of quiet, I fell headfirst into planning a party, working too much, catching up on housework, volunteer duties at the school, and both kids starting their respective winter activities. My son is playing hockey for the first time this year and is totally loving it, but it is a bit of a time hog, so it's all another schedule juggle in our busy lives. We spend last weekend getting a playground built at the school so it's just been super hectic. Thank God for the drugs. And I mean that whole heartedly!!!

I feel like the me I was supposed to be all these years. I have little to no anxiety at all, I am able to get angry and then drop it without flying into a red rage, I am not paranoid about others and what they think of me anymore. I can still laugh, likely more than I did before, and I can still cry so it's not like I've flattened out. I wish I had done it 20 years ago, I really do. I suffered for no good reason and I am so happy I finally admitted that I needed help. Wow. I am now feeling like I am the person I have always strived to be. I don't panic at the mere thought of vulnerability or opening up too much. It is just so great and I see the difference already in my family because of it.

I have had two horribly obnoxious and nasty colds in the past month and a half so I am hoping the snot is all done with until the New Year! I lost my voice for almost an entire week and that was hard for me, but I think my kids loved it-haha!

Today I did the recycling pickups and then went with the car to the give and take at our local depot. I found some goodies and I was struggling to get them into my little car to no avail. This older couple pulled up beside me and asked where I lived cuz they wanted to load up my stuff and drive it home for me. How freaking cool is that?? Before, I would have felt like crying accepting such a nice gesture and then felt anxious about accepting and a whole myriad of crap. Today I felt overjoyed and buoyant and thankful and that was all. It is magnificent!! I got a solid wood sideboard with sliding doors and a lovely little drawing desk on casters for the kids. Both are solid wood and in great shape and will look awesome after a nice coat of paint. SCORE!! Life is good today, I'm tellin' ya. Now I am heading back to pick up a nice white door I saw there that I am going to put legs on and use as a craft/art table so I can have my supplies at the ready and organized!!! I am cranked up on all this today!!

I have been listening to the new Annie Lennox cd all morning and it is pure gold, absolutely beautiful and full of loveliness. All the sisters and maybe even some of the brothers need to listen to this one, it is worth every cent I spent buying it in hard copy.

The sun is shining, and this day is rolled out before me. Have a great one everyone!

The weekend was sooooo relaxing. Who knew I could sleep so much if left to my own devices? I didn't draw as much as I had thought I would, but I wrote, read, took copious amounts of photos, and shopped to my heart's desire, mostly just browsing, but it was so relaxing to just do whatever I wanted and not be on a schedule at all.
I left late Friday and headed north on a scenic secondary highway, stopping a lot along the way to take pics, and change my music. I ended up in Lacombe, which is a small town of about 10000, and has a lot of historic buildings and is very quaint and pretty. I found a B & B on a farm west of town, run by a couple who are originally from Holland, as so many of the farmers in the area are. I had a comfy little room and my own bathroom, and a main sitting area for all guests to use. The only other people there were fresh off the plane from Holland, in Canada for a month of touring, and spoke very little English, but were very nice and we attempted some conversation, which was fun for me.
I slept over 10 hours the first night. When I woke up, I looked out the window at the trees all around and saw a horse outside of the window, the sun shining over the whole thing, with a shine of morning dew. It was so peaceful and pretty, exactly what I wanted to wake up to. After a huge yummy breakfast, I headed out with camera and sketchbook for a long walk down the country roads and some picture taking and sketching, and came back to sit and draw. It didn't take long before I was asleep again, for about 3 hours!!! After that, I headed into town and toured about, and the rest of my trip was more of the same, shopping, resting, writing, sleeping, eating, all good.
I came home feeling so rested and relaxed and I thought to myself, this needs to become a yearly tradition for me. So damn good to be with just yourself sometimes.
I'll try to get some pics downloaded and posted in the next few days, it's back to real life and my sometimes crazy schedule.
Hope you all had a great weekend too. I got the new Joni Mitchell cd for my journey, it is really sad and thoughtful and a great listen. I also finally picked up Amy Winehouse, and it is also a great listen, that girl can sing.
Peace out people.

I'm off

And no, I don't mean my rocker, although I can't blame anyone who thinks as such-har har.

I am not even a blogger. I can't even pretend to be. I am making it a weekly thing these days. I'm much more voyeurist than performer, apparently.

I am flying the coop tomorrow. I have managed to avoid any real planning of any sort, and am really hoping that it doesn't bite me on the ass real hard about 10 pm tomorrow night when I can't find a room to sleep in. Pray for me. heehee. I am feeling nervous and excited. I am flying solo all the way, for three whole nights. All alone. Sounds really nice, yet I am so not used to being alone for longer than a couple of hours that I am a bit worried that I will feel lonely, and I don't want to waste my sabbatical on petty emotions such as loneliness. I want to savour it, enjoy it, live in the moments, and take them in.

Since I have no plan and wish to not feel rushed in any way, I am going to the gym in the morning for a nice workout and then coming to get ready at a nice leisurely pace, then doing some last minute prep shopping and packing. It may be dinner time before I get my lazy ass out of town and I just don't care. I aint cooking the dinner, and that's all that matters, mofo's!! haha.

My hubby had already taken the Fri and Mon off for me to go on the wine tour I jammed out on, so I am free to roam the rangelands until sometime Monday. It just feels bizarre to me, it's almost like some sort of out of body thing, usually he's all worried and wanting to know the plan and what and where and why and how and he is totally laid back about it as well. I love it.

I will try to post some pics on here when I get back, I have been busy with life since me little breakdown and can barely find time to my basic maintenance these days it seems. I deserve a break me thinks. And a kitkat bar.

Ciao for now and have a fantasmigorical weekend!!

A week of Thursday's please.

AAAAHHHHH. No work today, no children, the dog is sleeping, what more is there to life I ask? I was going to go to the gym but ended up chatting at the school with a couple of moms and then I was too late, oh well. I went to a yoga class yesterday and it was really good! My muscles are feeling it today. I like it when they hurt but not so bad that you can't walk or do stairs.

I feel better. The interesting thing to me is that it's not as if my moods are dulled or I feel flat or anything, which I was worried about. It just helps me keep things in better perspective, and not fly off the cliff when things go a bit south. I like that. A lot. I will stay on it for a few months and see over the course if it really makes a difference during the pms times as well. It is making me tired though but I am hoping that will ease off a bit as I get more used to it. I see the doc at noon today to see how it's all going so far.

Tomorrow there's no school so I think I will just take this day and enjoy it thoroughly. I have so much cleaning and crap to do, but it's not like it's going anywhere so I think I'll consider that tomorrow instead.

I was supposed to go on a wine tour at the end of the month with my sister and some of her old bitty friends but I backed out. I am now planning a personal retreat for myself which will involve driving, picture taking, drawing, reading, and sleeping. Oh and maybe some eating, haha. I want to keep it as unplanned as possible, and allow myself to relax into the flexibility of the whole thing. Wish me luck with that, as I tend to be a planner and then ruin it for myself with worrying about details. Silliness. As long as I can find a room to sleep in, it's all good.

I wish I could package the quiet of my house right now, and open it up when I need some. Maybe that's what meditation is for....... . I should try that. I would need some zen music for that I suppose. Yikes, I'm getting all new agey here, it's freaking me out. haha.

Here's wishing you all a week of Thursdays like this one.

Crawling out of the trenches...

Good lord. This past month has been total crap. I have never felt so miserable for so long ever before in my life. It was awful. I would think it was ending and it would come back even worse than before. My poor family was suffering, never mind me. I got in early to see my doctor and she started me on Celexa to see if it would help. If it doesn't do it all, she said maybe a mild BC pill to balance the hormones a bit. I finally reached the point where I just didn't care if I took something, I was totally unable to manage it on my own. It was a low point. I then was struck by a nasty head cold and have been down for the count most of the weekend. I am coming out the other side now and am starting to feel a bit less like a mutant. I know it has been building for years, the momentum started to really build with the births of the kids, and it was just a matter of time before I had to do something about it, so I guess now is the time. I feel relieved that maybe I won't be so volatile and irritable because it is not who I am or wish to be.

Puppygirl Casey is cute as hell and growing like mad. The kids are sweet and thankfully forgiving of their crazy mother, and my husband is sweet and supportive and taking great care of me, so I have nothing real to complain about. That's the really ridiculous thing about anxiety and depression. So often we can't think of a good reason to feel that way, yet there it is. It's part of what drives the stigma, the embarrassment one feels. Thinking you should just buck up or whatever, but you can't seem to. That you're weak, or self indulgent, those are things I have thought about depression. I grew up with a depressed mother, and resented her for it. But really I more resented her for just laying down and dying than anything else. So I can't blame others if they think them. But in the end, you have to do what it takes. I can honestly say that if it wasn't for my kids, I would continue suffering and plodding like so many others do in order to save some sort of face. Seeing the looks on their faces when I was at my worst this past couple of weeks, well that made the decision for me. I wasn't the only one suffering, I was taking everyone else along with me. Just like my mom did. Not cool.

Happy Fall everyone. Best season of the year.