Sappy dog lovers unite!

Yes it's official. I love my dog.

I always used to think people who cried excessively over or doted on their dogs as though they were children, were, well, a bit silly. Overly emotional, dramatic, shall we say.

I dropped Casey off this morning for her spay. She knew something was up, no food, leaving with us to take kids to school, then to the vet. Tail was firmly between legs, legs bent, shaking like a damn leaf, and my heart almost cracked leaving her there. I felt her fear and I started tearing up just like all the other softies I inwardly scoffed at all these years.

Fuck. Guess I really am a dramatic sap after all. Or maybe I'm just normal, whatever that means. I am always embarrassed crying in front of other people, it's not my thing. So when I was berating myself and apologizing to the girl, she said something like, "If you didn't cry, we would think it unusual, this is what everyone does." Oh well then, I guess it's ok to be a blubbering idiot. Sorry, not I. A few drops fell and that was it. Done. I am worried though and feel so sad for her being all alone with strangers overnight.

In other news, I am finally done my shopping, but it is all hidden all over the place and not wrapped. I just sent some cards and a couple of parcels yesterday, and it cost me more to send them than it did for the contents! I had to express them so they would arrive on time, and then after that, I thought, damn! Why didn't I send them on the trusty Greyhound (our national bus service)?? It would have been faster and so much less expensive! Duh. Next year.

I got my real tree last night. I have a very old fake one that I let the kids decorate however they like. It always kind of drove me a little crazy inside having it look so mish mashy and uncoordinated, and lopsided, so when we moved here a couple of years ago, in one of my many efforts to soothe my insanity, I bought all gold and cream ornaments and accessories and started a new tradition of mommy's tree. I love this new tradition, it truly provides me so much pleasure that it is a bit obscene. Tonight I dress my pretty tree and sit before it with a glass of rum and nog. After the concert and bake sale that we are doing at the school that is.

My parents and brother arrive tomorrow and the insanity of the season begins. I love it. A few other family members sprinkled here and there and lots of fun and food.

Right after New Year's my parents and siblings are heading to Regina for my nephew's grad from RCMP basic training. Crazy. I remember him still as a little boy. Now he's this big tall man with a whole new set or responsibilities.

I should be at the gym right now getting some exercise, but I felt the need to blog. I'd best be getting my shortcake/buttertart/lemon slice ass moving though.

Happy Hol's peeps!!!!

oh lordy

It is likely not the best time to be posting, as I have been out all night imbibing, but I needed to say hi to everyone and let you know I am still alive and well and am just busy and distracted these days. I must sleep though, I am grossly deprived and am over a huge hump of busy-ness now-yay! i hope all of you are well and are getting into the wonderful Christmas spirit! Even though I'm not really religious, it's still my favorite time of the year, just all the magic and anticipation and spirit of it all. I have such great memories of it, family and love and giving, it's all good, no complaints.

Peace to all of you!

sky

Here's a pic from my trip while back. I love the sky. I have no idea why this is underlining itself but whatever. The sky has been doing all sorts of fancy and beautiful things this past while and I could look at it for hours, given the time and solitude. Happy Friday everyone!

I have issues

News flash, right?? haha.

If you read Rox, then you already know the story. Thing is, I am feeling completely out of sorts about not knowing why or how this guy died, and feeling sick for his family, and then there's all the other stuff. Like him being my first love and my "first". Then being sorely disappointed to realize how screwed up he was but spending way too long trying to "fix" him, until I made myself so crazy and him too , that it all ended horribly and hatefully. I held on to that resentment for many many years, and partly because of the problems our relationship had caused between me and my parents. Last year, I decided to bury the hatchet and contact him. Part of me wanted him to still love me and a bigger part of me wanted him to be happy and not living in the past anymore. It quickly became apparent that he was still firmly entrenched and really wanted to meet up and spend time together. I knew what it meant and it scared the hell out of me, but I thought well maybe if I just try to talk to him and explain my side, I can"fix" all of it now. News flash, I have issues. And now I feel guilty for once again writing him off and deserting him in all his depression and dysfunction. I'm afraid he took his life and left his two children and the woman who has loved him all these years and that I may be partly to blame even though it was never my intention to hurt him. I feel so yukky and bewildered and enslaved by all this crap from the past. All these weird feelings and thoughts are running through my mind, and I don't like it much.

I hope he's in a better place and he knows I tried to be what I was able to for him, both times around.

I hope he finally feels peace.

I hope there really is a heaven for him, he was never really that happy here on earth.

I hope he knows I'm sorry that I hurt him in order to save myself.

I hope his kids and wife make it through ok.

Rest in peace, DDS.

Gone

Last Monday she got her terminal diagnosis. Last night she died at home. Her 15 month old daughter is there but she had no chance to write a letter for her or make a video or even say goodbye with a kiss. When they thought it might be back in September her parents took the baby back east since she was sick and in pain. Then they told her it looked like maybe it wasn't back but she still felt so sick and had so much pain while they waited for tests that she couldn't care for the baby so she stayed put with the grandparents. By the time they got her back to her mother it was too late. I've never met them but I feel such incredible pain about it. I cried on and off all day with K as she talked about it with tears rolling down her face. We have no coverage for her so she had to come to work but left early so she could help the family. She lost her mother the same way, and very quickly, when she was 16 years old. My heart is aching for them all. Even the thought of leaving my children behind makes me throb inside. I wish cancer would fuck off.

Chicken Little

Holy crap.

I have PMS. It's a cranky time, but not a psycho cranky time so I can't really complain.

My life is so busy and will be for the next couple of weeks as I'm covering holidays for someone so am working more than I really wish to. I am having a really hard time finding time to go to that gym I joined and it's rankling me because the desire is there, but the means is not. I'm going to a yoga class in the morning though and I hear you have to get there early to get a spot on the floor so I hope I make it in.

My kids are so excited about the massive sugar blast tomorrow! They party and binge all day at school so they're good and fucked up before you even get them home. Then you try to force some broccoli into them and clean the crumbs and drool off their wrinkled costumes and forge out into the cold to fill bags and buckets full of tooth decaying crap. WOOHOO! What a party it is though. I remember how fun it was for us and I get it, but as a parent it feels a bit obscene to me. haha.

A woman I work with just found out her 31 year old SIL who has a 1 year old baby has terminal cancer. Fuck. That is so not fair. I know she also lost her mother to cancer so this is just so not cool. I didn't know what to say to her and I didn't want to make her cry. It's fucking awful. Damn cancer anyways.

We were talking today about all this crap talk about how our premier is upping the oil and gas royalties in our province, and now all the oil and gas people are fucking crying about it and saying they'll have to leave so they can make money, and we better be careful what we support because our costs will increase if it happens, blah fucking blah. I call bullshit first off. So they make a few million less, they still make a fuck of a lot of money so boo hoo. And also, maybe if they want to go elsewhere, they should. Then maybe we can support some alternative energy sources that won't vaporize the damn planet and they can lose their friggin monopoly and we can call it a success. I don't buy that propaganda that starts up every time big business thinks their bottom line is going to suffer, and all of a sudden the damn sky is falling. WHAT-EVER!
I wish people in this province would pull their greedy heads out of their asses sometimes.

Rant over. Whew, I feel better now.
Caio babies.

I love annie

I know, I know. I have not changed religions, not that I had one to begin with. I am not anti-blogging, I am not sad, I am not injured, I am just so friggin busy that I barely have time to pee. Other that life being super busy lately, I am doing great, for all of those who care. And I thank you for caring, I really do. :)

After I returned from my wonderful beautiful weekend of quiet, I fell headfirst into planning a party, working too much, catching up on housework, volunteer duties at the school, and both kids starting their respective winter activities. My son is playing hockey for the first time this year and is totally loving it, but it is a bit of a time hog, so it's all another schedule juggle in our busy lives. We spend last weekend getting a playground built at the school so it's just been super hectic. Thank God for the drugs. And I mean that whole heartedly!!!

I feel like the me I was supposed to be all these years. I have little to no anxiety at all, I am able to get angry and then drop it without flying into a red rage, I am not paranoid about others and what they think of me anymore. I can still laugh, likely more than I did before, and I can still cry so it's not like I've flattened out. I wish I had done it 20 years ago, I really do. I suffered for no good reason and I am so happy I finally admitted that I needed help. Wow. I am now feeling like I am the person I have always strived to be. I don't panic at the mere thought of vulnerability or opening up too much. It is just so great and I see the difference already in my family because of it.

I have had two horribly obnoxious and nasty colds in the past month and a half so I am hoping the snot is all done with until the New Year! I lost my voice for almost an entire week and that was hard for me, but I think my kids loved it-haha!

Today I did the recycling pickups and then went with the car to the give and take at our local depot. I found some goodies and I was struggling to get them into my little car to no avail. This older couple pulled up beside me and asked where I lived cuz they wanted to load up my stuff and drive it home for me. How freaking cool is that?? Before, I would have felt like crying accepting such a nice gesture and then felt anxious about accepting and a whole myriad of crap. Today I felt overjoyed and buoyant and thankful and that was all. It is magnificent!! I got a solid wood sideboard with sliding doors and a lovely little drawing desk on casters for the kids. Both are solid wood and in great shape and will look awesome after a nice coat of paint. SCORE!! Life is good today, I'm tellin' ya. Now I am heading back to pick up a nice white door I saw there that I am going to put legs on and use as a craft/art table so I can have my supplies at the ready and organized!!! I am cranked up on all this today!!

I have been listening to the new Annie Lennox cd all morning and it is pure gold, absolutely beautiful and full of loveliness. All the sisters and maybe even some of the brothers need to listen to this one, it is worth every cent I spent buying it in hard copy.

The sun is shining, and this day is rolled out before me. Have a great one everyone!