News flash, right?? haha.
If you read Rox, then you already know the story. Thing is, I am feeling completely out of sorts about not knowing why or how this guy died, and feeling sick for his family, and then there's all the other stuff. Like him being my first love and my "first". Then being sorely disappointed to realize how screwed up he was but spending way too long trying to "fix" him, until I made myself so crazy and him too , that it all ended horribly and hatefully. I held on to that resentment for many many years, and partly because of the problems our relationship had caused between me and my parents. Last year, I decided to bury the hatchet and contact him. Part of me wanted him to still love me and a bigger part of me wanted him to be happy and not living in the past anymore. It quickly became apparent that he was still firmly entrenched and really wanted to meet up and spend time together. I knew what it meant and it scared the hell out of me, but I thought well maybe if I just try to talk to him and explain my side, I can"fix" all of it now. News flash, I have issues. And now I feel guilty for once again writing him off and deserting him in all his depression and dysfunction. I'm afraid he took his life and left his two children and the woman who has loved him all these years and that I may be partly to blame even though it was never my intention to hurt him. I feel so yukky and bewildered and enslaved by all this crap from the past. All these weird feelings and thoughts are running through my mind, and I don't like it much.
I hope he's in a better place and he knows I tried to be what I was able to for him, both times around.
I hope he finally feels peace.
I hope there really is a heaven for him, he was never really that happy here on earth.
I hope he knows I'm sorry that I hurt him in order to save myself.
I hope his kids and wife make it through ok.
Rest in peace, DDS.
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5 comments:
I did read Rox and then I came over here.
I'm going to just throw in my Al-Anon stuff here and say that it isn't your responsibility that he was depressed or dysfunctional. Of course he had issues and you had issues and Rox has issues and that is how you all ended up together. It's obvious from the way both of you are reacting that you didn't mean harm to come to him. Also, who doesn't have bitter feelings toward their first ...sex partner? Because don't we all?
I hope that you are both working hard to be kind to yourselves and not letting the guilt get to you.
I'm sending Reiki to you both.
I read this and now I'm bawling because we are feeling the same thing. It's so fucking weird on so many levels!
I just made you a video that is dumb now. Oh well. I'm sending it anyway.
Oh, I could use a good Reiki right about now!
i gotta say, i'm with em. his stuff - his pain, depression and coping mechanisms - were just that. his. and you did nothing with malice or meanness. you took care of yourself and your family which has to be your priority.
i'm not one for giving blogvice, but i hope you do take some time to grieve this whole situation. and then move on in peace, knowing that he has chosen his path.
hugs to you, devo.
It's a sad and shocking tale, but like the other's said, you can't be responsible for others' actions. I hope he finally found some peace.
ok, let me play the foil here. i am always stuck in the past, but you know, he went beyond. He was unhealthy. Not your fault. It's not your fault he was stuck 25 years in the past. And if his 2 kids and wife couldn't bring him out of the past, well, there was nothing you could do to fix that mess. So you cut yourself some slack. And fyi, when he showed up in your neck of the woods, it creeped me out to no end, so in a horrid way, I am glad he is out of your life because that was spooky.couldn't tell you then, but i am telling you now.
ok, to change the topic about reiki - when my old boss had a heart transplant and we thought she was dying, because they said they were pulling the plug, we had this session with this fucking hippie dippy woman who did reiki on us and we came out all "OMG the shit works" but you know what? It works because you are so busy tapping your head and chest and nose and repeating shit, you forget that you are upset. So it's just busy work.
DOn't kill me for saying that if you are a registered reiki-ist. LOLOLLLLLLLLL I'm just a mouthy marvin tonight...
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