JOHN MAYER IS THE SHIT!!!! He rocked the casbah people! He sounds just as lovely in person as he does recorded, and he is a true musician. That boy can play, and he moves his lithe body around the stage like he is dancing with that guitar. It was truly wonderful. I didn't know every song as I don't own his first two albums, but I enjoyed every minute of it. There was no closeup view on the big screen for us to see his face while he played and I think that was too bad, but I am sort of assuming he chose not to waste all the power to run that thing. He is posting on his blog about making a stronger effort for the environment so I wonder romantically if that was why.
Besides my date with FUGS, I did some shopping, eating, and drinking, and fun was had by all. It is always good for me to take a couple of days away from my full time job as wife and mother and cook and housekeeper and just be Devony once in a while. It really helps me keep some semblance of balance in my inner world. Precarious as it may be some days, balance is maintained-haha.
Thanks to all of you who read that huge post and enjoyed it and left such nice comments. It was a bit of work to write that and I felt I really needed to get it right, so I am most happy that Roxanne really felt that I had done it justice. She is always one of my biggest encouragements to move outside of my comfort zone.
To answer some of JT's questions, my mom has since had treatment for depression and is still struggling with it to this day, but has done a lot of therapy lately and seems to be having a lot of success with that and the latest medications she has tried. My parents never really went to church much mostly because they didn't always agree with what was being taught, and my mom had a lot of hangups, as she was brought up very strong Catholic. One of her sisters spent 6 years in the convent. All of her sisters have struggled with anxiety and mental health issues on and off as well. So although she held on to so many of the beliefs she was raised with, she was always struggling to put things into a new less guilt ridden context. There was a lot of shame and guilt involved in her endoctrination, and she was a sensitive artist type so she took it all more to heart than some people do I suppose.
I think those two things together may serve to explain why they were so all over the map in the way they raised us. Conservative yet liberal, creative yet restrained, joyful yet sad. She was really trying to find her way and dad was the silent partner. He often attended church without her over the years, but it never bothered him. They never ever tried to force us to go, but it was a constant topic of conversation in our house so we didn't need to go really. Anyways, I can't really remember now what the other things JT asked me were, so I guess that's it for now.
I am kind of liking the whole song theme thing for my titles right now, but the material may be a bit lacking??
I hope you all have a glorious day in all your worlds!!
Devo
Monday, April 30, 2007
Friday, April 27, 2007
A herstory of me and chunks
OK here it is. I keep editing and re-editing trying to get it just right, but I'm out of time.
I guess I have a story or two to tell. Or three. The story of me and Chunks is long, and full of tales, good and bad, happy and sad. (Isn't that a song?) Anyways, I remember feelings, details are a sketchy thing with me. She has an amazing memory for details, stories, funny quips from the past. I do not. So I will do my best here. Accuracy may be lacking, but I'm sure she'll let me know if I mix it up!haha.
We met in grade 7, I had moved to our town at the beginning of the year, she came part way through, so we were both newbies. We were instantly drawn to one another.
I was a nerd. Smart, chubby, glasses, really nasty curly hair that I spent hours trying to straighten. My family was poor so my clothes were not fashionable at all, but people seemed to like me anyways. I always had friends from different groups, but I often found the popular girls who befriended me to be a bit boring.
Chunks was not one of those people. She lived on the fringe, you just knew it right away. She looked different than anyone I'd ever met. I thought she was beautiful, and she carried herself with a confidence that I was sorely lacking. She was petite and rather curvy for a girl of 12, and to frumpy old me, that was something! She had these big blue eyes with a little freckle under each one, and this wonderful space between her front teeth. Everyone was intrigued by her immediately. She had this crazy accent, which I soon learned was unique to New Brunswick. Her manner was witty and a bit brash. She wore chokers and had curly hair and glasses like me. I remember one of the boys saying that she wore dog collars and she just kept on wearing them anyways. I thought she was brave and independent. Things I thought I wasn't and aspired to be.
I know she must have come only a bit later in the year because myself and another newer girl were invited to her home for a sleepover for her November birthday. My parents had no idea who her family were, but they were naive and very trusting and they sent me there no questions asked. Well maybe they called her mom to say hi but that was about it.
Her dad had taken a job at the gas plant outside of town and they were living in a company house. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they had little to nothing for belongings and had an even more liberal routine than I was used to. I had mostly been around other poor families before, so it wasn't like it was interesting or odd, it felt more comfortable to me than the middle class homes of other friends I had been in. They were so quiet and sterile. My house was loud and busy with my five other siblings and the folks always underfoot. I preferred the noise and chaos I was accustomed to, just in some different packaging.
We were instant friends. It was pretty quiet at her house that night, I think most of her family was out for the majority of the night and when they did show up, they had friends of her parents there and they were loud and friendly and drinking. I had seen this before as well, so I didn't think much of it at first. Her dad scared me a bit, he made fun of my name that first night and wanted to see if I could take it. I could.
I had spent some time in the homes of some native Indian kids in Dawson Creek, so I knew my way around the drinkers a bit. I found it scary and fascinating. I was a voyeur by the age of 10. My parents never drank a drop, didn't smoke, didn't swear, never argued. Lots of times, they let me go to other people's homes without really knowing anything about the families at all. They had no idea how other people lived. Although it was uncomfortable for me on many levels, I went back again and again. Maybe just to see what would happen next, maybe to be entertained, maybe to escape my own family. There was always a lot of conflict between all the five girls at my house, and it got pretty nasty sometimes, so I was always glad to free of my sisters.
In my home, we were encouraged to sing, argue, be creative, emote, laugh, write, and Mom did the same, but we all knew she was sad most of the time. It was hard for me being there, I never felt like I really fit in well with the rest of my sisters or my family in general. My parents spoke a lot about their inner pain in relation to their families and how God had brought them together. Their marriage was a gift from God. They were born again Christians, my parents, and I had been endoctrinated from an extremely young age. They didn't attend any church on a very regular basis, but they focused what seemed like most of their daily life discussing the bible and God's plans for all of us. I remember thinking, even when I was participating in it, that something didn't seem really right about it. They spoke a great deal of Satan and his tactics. They were in their own world for the most part. And they had this magical relationship with God that I seemed to be unable to access no matter how hard I prayed.
So I did my best to escape, for a variety of reasons. Chunks house, be it crazy and tempestuous, was definitely not a damn thing like mine. Her mother was NOT trotting around the house, singing God songs and baking cinnamon buns, and then crying in the bathroom when she thought no one knew. She was yelling, chain smoking, reading magazines, swearing, talking for hours in animated French on the telephone and scuttling around like a little bird when one of the males in the house yelled for food. She rarely seemed to cook anything when I was there, and when she did, there wasn't a fruit or vegetable to be seen. The fridge was overflowing with food that no one seemed to eat. I was always hungry when I stayed there but had been trained not to ask for anything at other people's houses. So, if no one offered, you just didn't eat. After a few times there, I understood why they were all so small, the house was full of nervous energy and no one seemed to eat anything but toast and cereal!!
Then there was Hoo-ard, the infamous father figure. It took me a while to realize that he mispronounced my name just to tease me, maybe even include me, so I finally starting saying his name wrong back to him. It has stuck all these years. I guess it was our little joke. He spent his time at home on the weekends or on days off pacing around, drinking beer after beer, getting louder and louder, swearing a blue streak, chain smoking and saying mean things to whoever was handy to amuse himself. Well, he was teasing, but it felt mean to me because I was unaccustomed to it. People only teased like that in my house if their intent was to be unashamedly cruel, so it was hard for me to take it lightly at first. Everyone would laugh, so I knew I should laugh too and think of something funny to say back without crossing some undefined line in the process. I knew alcohol equaled unpredictability, I just didn't know the extent of it. He seemed to enjoy me in his way, so I felt like I fit in somehow. I liked it, and disliked it, all at the same time.
Both of them were quite hard on Chunks. She was belligerent and sarcastic one minute, laughing with them the next, and crying in loathing and pain another. I never really understood how that was for her to have an alcoholic for a father. I just thought everyone kind of hated their parents and she was just hating hers for different reasons than some of us did. Everyone in her house tried to laugh along so it seemed a contradiction to laugh one minute at it and then cry the next. I don't think one really can understand it as a kid unless it's their father or mother. My frame of reference was so far removed from hers.
He was and still is a functioning alcoholic. He always provided for his family, and it wasn't long before they bought a house in town and a big tv with Superchannel. We would hang out for hours on end, watching movies my mother never would have let me watch, and listening to the ranting and raving of her dad and/or her mom. Her mom didn't drink in those days, but they would get into it sometimes when he was drinking. He had a weekend band, so they would often come home late on the weekends when I was there, and it would be loud and crazy, and Chunks would be really upset by it. Sometimes there would be other people with them who would sleep on the couch for days, weeks, months, and just hang around and drink with her dad all the time. It always felt dangerous and weird to me to have these strange men in the house drinking, with all these little kids. And the cigarette smoke in that house was horrifying. I would be so congested and sick from it when I would come home, but I still preferred it over my own home at times.
In the summer, Hoo-ard would cook sometimes, and it was always one thing. Two dozen hamburgers with buns, or a huge plate of steaks, or a huge plate of hot dogs. Every now and then, he would make up a huge pan of the most wonderful lasagna you could ever eat, and I remember being so shocked the first time he made it. It was one of the few times you saw vegetables in their kitchen, I think!! haha. They often invited me over when he made it as he knew I loved his lasagna. He was quite proud of it. They often had a steady stream of East coast friends and relatives who would come by in summer and they would sit around outside and in, playing guitars and singing, which was always something I loved every minute of. They loved to laugh, and they all had some nasty old jokes to tell and dirty lyrics to sing for us. Sometimes I wondered in my little Christian-ish mind if those men were a bit perverted or something with all the sexual innuendo, but they were always just looking for a laugh and a red face.
Christmas at her house was boisterous and loud. Their tree was absolutely loaded underneath with gifts and everyone was laughing and eating and imbibing and I thought she had it quite good over there. She got way more loot than I did, so I figured that was a pretty good deal. They didn't have to sit at home quietly and sing religious carols together as a family and listen to all the females in the house be witty and creative and intelligent. It was loud and crazy and a bit low brow and heathen-ish. I liked that. I didn't spend a lot of time there at Christmas so I never got to see her dad go completely overboard and say and do awful things to ruin the magic of it for her. I was a voyeur, and it was so different than my house. I suppose I should have offered her a trade or something, in retrospect. haha. Of course, none of those frilly nighties she got would have fit me. I lived in the land of homemade cinnamon buns, remember?
Chunks has a sister two years younger than we are, and then a younger brother and the little sister. It was like two different sets of kids, two different sets of rules and expectations. It was strange. The younger two were coddled and pampered and whiny beyond belief and she and the older of her sisters were in shit all the time. It was incredibly annoying to watch. It was sometimes like one of those tv shows where you see the little one make a smacking sound against their own arm and start fake crying and then they say "So and so hit me!" And mother would scuttle to their rescue without fail. It worked every time. They got blamed for a lot of crap, and lived under a completely different set of expectations. Myself having the HUGE sense of justice and fairness that I do, found this part of her family dynamic incredibly irritating at times.
Both of her parents suffer from anxiety. It is part of their genetic makeup. Instead of seeking alternatives, they learned to self medicate with pot and alcohol. As young teens, we knew they had a bag of pot in their bedroom and had easy access to it. I don't think that she and I ever took any of it together although I'm sure she did later on during periods of time when she and I weren't hanging together. Chunks and I gravitated towards another fringe group of kids from her neighborhood who had alcoholic parents and blossoming drug addictions. Sometimes, during the summer, we told her parents that we were staying at my house and my parents that we were staying at her house and we would wander around town most of the night looking for something to do. We would end up sneaking into her tent in the backyard if we didn't find any other strays to hang around with. Neither set of parents checked our stories, ever.
She and I were inseparable for most of grade 7, 8, and 9. We drifted apart with boyfriends, and other friendships, but we would always end up coming back together. She was a solid place for me to be, even with her unstable family. That is actually why she was like that. She was the only stable force in her family. She didn't have much choice really. Whenever we would gravitate back toward each other, it was just like falling back into a comfortable routine. I think we hung around on and off throughout most of high school, but we became very close again in Grade 12, when the end was nigh. Our moms and us girls went shopping together for grad dresses and we planned and prepared for it together. My mom tells a funny story about that trip where Chunks' mom used the c word in a funny story and Chunks' jaw dropped on the table in utter mortification. My mom laughed it off and was really cool about it. She had recently learned what the word meant so she was just happy to feel included!! haha. I am really glad that my photos and memories of getting ready and going to Grad are of her and I together. Not some other schmuck I don't even keep in touch with anymore.
Her mom started to drink from time to time later in high school and one night right before our graduation, they were all partying hard one weekend and she decided to leave. I have never seen Chunks so angry or upset as she was that night. I was trying for some reason to convince her to leave the house with me and walk away from it, and she couldn't. She was enraged and tearing everything out of the cupboards and fridge and cleaning and scrubbing everything and yelling and crying for what seemed like hours. I just could not for the life of me understand why it affected her so. I felt so helpless and confused and annoyed by her response. At first I had expected her to be happy because maybe it would force her dad to step up and/or quit drinking. I guess she knew better.
In my family, I felt free to ditch them at any time. I didn't feel I had any active role there I suppose. She felt so trapped, like who else but her would take care of everything? She wanted out, but wouldn't/couldn't even let herself walk outside of the house with me for an hour to cool off. She was chained there by her mother's abandonment. She was in a lot of pain, and I didn't fully understand why until we talked about it many years later. It was HER turn to leave. Not her mother's. Her dad just drank and cried and was completely useless until her mom came back. She did everything to take care of the other kids and the house until her mom returned.
I know that her life with them has made her who she is today. Strong, independent, unaffected by the opinions of others, with an absolutely life saving sense of humor, even in the worst of times. They gave her a lot of pain, but along with that, she developed an incredible sense of self and a determination about her path in life. She had the strength of will and character to create the life for herself that she wanted all those years growing up. And she has paid a price for that, yet is undaunted in her strength of conviction. She moves through her life with such honesty and unfailing humor, that it is impossible for me not to admire her just as much as I did all those years ago. Our friendship is now 27 years old, and the sense of comfort, familiarity and sisterhood that we share will last us a lifetime. And I think fondly of her family and the time I spent in their lives, however crazy it was at times. I am thankful that they brought her to that shitty coal mining town so she and I could be connected for life.
I guess I have a story or two to tell. Or three. The story of me and Chunks is long, and full of tales, good and bad, happy and sad. (Isn't that a song?) Anyways, I remember feelings, details are a sketchy thing with me. She has an amazing memory for details, stories, funny quips from the past. I do not. So I will do my best here. Accuracy may be lacking, but I'm sure she'll let me know if I mix it up!haha.
We met in grade 7, I had moved to our town at the beginning of the year, she came part way through, so we were both newbies. We were instantly drawn to one another.
I was a nerd. Smart, chubby, glasses, really nasty curly hair that I spent hours trying to straighten. My family was poor so my clothes were not fashionable at all, but people seemed to like me anyways. I always had friends from different groups, but I often found the popular girls who befriended me to be a bit boring.
Chunks was not one of those people. She lived on the fringe, you just knew it right away. She looked different than anyone I'd ever met. I thought she was beautiful, and she carried herself with a confidence that I was sorely lacking. She was petite and rather curvy for a girl of 12, and to frumpy old me, that was something! She had these big blue eyes with a little freckle under each one, and this wonderful space between her front teeth. Everyone was intrigued by her immediately. She had this crazy accent, which I soon learned was unique to New Brunswick. Her manner was witty and a bit brash. She wore chokers and had curly hair and glasses like me. I remember one of the boys saying that she wore dog collars and she just kept on wearing them anyways. I thought she was brave and independent. Things I thought I wasn't and aspired to be.
I know she must have come only a bit later in the year because myself and another newer girl were invited to her home for a sleepover for her November birthday. My parents had no idea who her family were, but they were naive and very trusting and they sent me there no questions asked. Well maybe they called her mom to say hi but that was about it.
Her dad had taken a job at the gas plant outside of town and they were living in a company house. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they had little to nothing for belongings and had an even more liberal routine than I was used to. I had mostly been around other poor families before, so it wasn't like it was interesting or odd, it felt more comfortable to me than the middle class homes of other friends I had been in. They were so quiet and sterile. My house was loud and busy with my five other siblings and the folks always underfoot. I preferred the noise and chaos I was accustomed to, just in some different packaging.
We were instant friends. It was pretty quiet at her house that night, I think most of her family was out for the majority of the night and when they did show up, they had friends of her parents there and they were loud and friendly and drinking. I had seen this before as well, so I didn't think much of it at first. Her dad scared me a bit, he made fun of my name that first night and wanted to see if I could take it. I could.
I had spent some time in the homes of some native Indian kids in Dawson Creek, so I knew my way around the drinkers a bit. I found it scary and fascinating. I was a voyeur by the age of 10. My parents never drank a drop, didn't smoke, didn't swear, never argued. Lots of times, they let me go to other people's homes without really knowing anything about the families at all. They had no idea how other people lived. Although it was uncomfortable for me on many levels, I went back again and again. Maybe just to see what would happen next, maybe to be entertained, maybe to escape my own family. There was always a lot of conflict between all the five girls at my house, and it got pretty nasty sometimes, so I was always glad to free of my sisters.
In my home, we were encouraged to sing, argue, be creative, emote, laugh, write, and Mom did the same, but we all knew she was sad most of the time. It was hard for me being there, I never felt like I really fit in well with the rest of my sisters or my family in general. My parents spoke a lot about their inner pain in relation to their families and how God had brought them together. Their marriage was a gift from God. They were born again Christians, my parents, and I had been endoctrinated from an extremely young age. They didn't attend any church on a very regular basis, but they focused what seemed like most of their daily life discussing the bible and God's plans for all of us. I remember thinking, even when I was participating in it, that something didn't seem really right about it. They spoke a great deal of Satan and his tactics. They were in their own world for the most part. And they had this magical relationship with God that I seemed to be unable to access no matter how hard I prayed.
So I did my best to escape, for a variety of reasons. Chunks house, be it crazy and tempestuous, was definitely not a damn thing like mine. Her mother was NOT trotting around the house, singing God songs and baking cinnamon buns, and then crying in the bathroom when she thought no one knew. She was yelling, chain smoking, reading magazines, swearing, talking for hours in animated French on the telephone and scuttling around like a little bird when one of the males in the house yelled for food. She rarely seemed to cook anything when I was there, and when she did, there wasn't a fruit or vegetable to be seen. The fridge was overflowing with food that no one seemed to eat. I was always hungry when I stayed there but had been trained not to ask for anything at other people's houses. So, if no one offered, you just didn't eat. After a few times there, I understood why they were all so small, the house was full of nervous energy and no one seemed to eat anything but toast and cereal!!
Then there was Hoo-ard, the infamous father figure. It took me a while to realize that he mispronounced my name just to tease me, maybe even include me, so I finally starting saying his name wrong back to him. It has stuck all these years. I guess it was our little joke. He spent his time at home on the weekends or on days off pacing around, drinking beer after beer, getting louder and louder, swearing a blue streak, chain smoking and saying mean things to whoever was handy to amuse himself. Well, he was teasing, but it felt mean to me because I was unaccustomed to it. People only teased like that in my house if their intent was to be unashamedly cruel, so it was hard for me to take it lightly at first. Everyone would laugh, so I knew I should laugh too and think of something funny to say back without crossing some undefined line in the process. I knew alcohol equaled unpredictability, I just didn't know the extent of it. He seemed to enjoy me in his way, so I felt like I fit in somehow. I liked it, and disliked it, all at the same time.
Both of them were quite hard on Chunks. She was belligerent and sarcastic one minute, laughing with them the next, and crying in loathing and pain another. I never really understood how that was for her to have an alcoholic for a father. I just thought everyone kind of hated their parents and she was just hating hers for different reasons than some of us did. Everyone in her house tried to laugh along so it seemed a contradiction to laugh one minute at it and then cry the next. I don't think one really can understand it as a kid unless it's their father or mother. My frame of reference was so far removed from hers.
He was and still is a functioning alcoholic. He always provided for his family, and it wasn't long before they bought a house in town and a big tv with Superchannel. We would hang out for hours on end, watching movies my mother never would have let me watch, and listening to the ranting and raving of her dad and/or her mom. Her mom didn't drink in those days, but they would get into it sometimes when he was drinking. He had a weekend band, so they would often come home late on the weekends when I was there, and it would be loud and crazy, and Chunks would be really upset by it. Sometimes there would be other people with them who would sleep on the couch for days, weeks, months, and just hang around and drink with her dad all the time. It always felt dangerous and weird to me to have these strange men in the house drinking, with all these little kids. And the cigarette smoke in that house was horrifying. I would be so congested and sick from it when I would come home, but I still preferred it over my own home at times.
In the summer, Hoo-ard would cook sometimes, and it was always one thing. Two dozen hamburgers with buns, or a huge plate of steaks, or a huge plate of hot dogs. Every now and then, he would make up a huge pan of the most wonderful lasagna you could ever eat, and I remember being so shocked the first time he made it. It was one of the few times you saw vegetables in their kitchen, I think!! haha. They often invited me over when he made it as he knew I loved his lasagna. He was quite proud of it. They often had a steady stream of East coast friends and relatives who would come by in summer and they would sit around outside and in, playing guitars and singing, which was always something I loved every minute of. They loved to laugh, and they all had some nasty old jokes to tell and dirty lyrics to sing for us. Sometimes I wondered in my little Christian-ish mind if those men were a bit perverted or something with all the sexual innuendo, but they were always just looking for a laugh and a red face.
Christmas at her house was boisterous and loud. Their tree was absolutely loaded underneath with gifts and everyone was laughing and eating and imbibing and I thought she had it quite good over there. She got way more loot than I did, so I figured that was a pretty good deal. They didn't have to sit at home quietly and sing religious carols together as a family and listen to all the females in the house be witty and creative and intelligent. It was loud and crazy and a bit low brow and heathen-ish. I liked that. I didn't spend a lot of time there at Christmas so I never got to see her dad go completely overboard and say and do awful things to ruin the magic of it for her. I was a voyeur, and it was so different than my house. I suppose I should have offered her a trade or something, in retrospect. haha. Of course, none of those frilly nighties she got would have fit me. I lived in the land of homemade cinnamon buns, remember?
Chunks has a sister two years younger than we are, and then a younger brother and the little sister. It was like two different sets of kids, two different sets of rules and expectations. It was strange. The younger two were coddled and pampered and whiny beyond belief and she and the older of her sisters were in shit all the time. It was incredibly annoying to watch. It was sometimes like one of those tv shows where you see the little one make a smacking sound against their own arm and start fake crying and then they say "So and so hit me!" And mother would scuttle to their rescue without fail. It worked every time. They got blamed for a lot of crap, and lived under a completely different set of expectations. Myself having the HUGE sense of justice and fairness that I do, found this part of her family dynamic incredibly irritating at times.
Both of her parents suffer from anxiety. It is part of their genetic makeup. Instead of seeking alternatives, they learned to self medicate with pot and alcohol. As young teens, we knew they had a bag of pot in their bedroom and had easy access to it. I don't think that she and I ever took any of it together although I'm sure she did later on during periods of time when she and I weren't hanging together. Chunks and I gravitated towards another fringe group of kids from her neighborhood who had alcoholic parents and blossoming drug addictions. Sometimes, during the summer, we told her parents that we were staying at my house and my parents that we were staying at her house and we would wander around town most of the night looking for something to do. We would end up sneaking into her tent in the backyard if we didn't find any other strays to hang around with. Neither set of parents checked our stories, ever.
She and I were inseparable for most of grade 7, 8, and 9. We drifted apart with boyfriends, and other friendships, but we would always end up coming back together. She was a solid place for me to be, even with her unstable family. That is actually why she was like that. She was the only stable force in her family. She didn't have much choice really. Whenever we would gravitate back toward each other, it was just like falling back into a comfortable routine. I think we hung around on and off throughout most of high school, but we became very close again in Grade 12, when the end was nigh. Our moms and us girls went shopping together for grad dresses and we planned and prepared for it together. My mom tells a funny story about that trip where Chunks' mom used the c word in a funny story and Chunks' jaw dropped on the table in utter mortification. My mom laughed it off and was really cool about it. She had recently learned what the word meant so she was just happy to feel included!! haha. I am really glad that my photos and memories of getting ready and going to Grad are of her and I together. Not some other schmuck I don't even keep in touch with anymore.
Her mom started to drink from time to time later in high school and one night right before our graduation, they were all partying hard one weekend and she decided to leave. I have never seen Chunks so angry or upset as she was that night. I was trying for some reason to convince her to leave the house with me and walk away from it, and she couldn't. She was enraged and tearing everything out of the cupboards and fridge and cleaning and scrubbing everything and yelling and crying for what seemed like hours. I just could not for the life of me understand why it affected her so. I felt so helpless and confused and annoyed by her response. At first I had expected her to be happy because maybe it would force her dad to step up and/or quit drinking. I guess she knew better.
In my family, I felt free to ditch them at any time. I didn't feel I had any active role there I suppose. She felt so trapped, like who else but her would take care of everything? She wanted out, but wouldn't/couldn't even let herself walk outside of the house with me for an hour to cool off. She was chained there by her mother's abandonment. She was in a lot of pain, and I didn't fully understand why until we talked about it many years later. It was HER turn to leave. Not her mother's. Her dad just drank and cried and was completely useless until her mom came back. She did everything to take care of the other kids and the house until her mom returned.
I know that her life with them has made her who she is today. Strong, independent, unaffected by the opinions of others, with an absolutely life saving sense of humor, even in the worst of times. They gave her a lot of pain, but along with that, she developed an incredible sense of self and a determination about her path in life. She had the strength of will and character to create the life for herself that she wanted all those years growing up. And she has paid a price for that, yet is undaunted in her strength of conviction. She moves through her life with such honesty and unfailing humor, that it is impossible for me not to admire her just as much as I did all those years ago. Our friendship is now 27 years old, and the sense of comfort, familiarity and sisterhood that we share will last us a lifetime. And I think fondly of her family and the time I spent in their lives, however crazy it was at times. I am thankful that they brought her to that shitty coal mining town so she and I could be connected for life.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Lalalalalala-live for today.....
Ahhhhhh! The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and I am alone in my house. Could life possibly be any sweeter? Oh, and I started my new exercise routine this morning after my 8 month hiatus. My ass is feeling a bit doughy, but things are on the mend. Spring is in the air, and bathing suit season is coming. My new workout friend K said we needed to get back into our bikinis and I said"Girl, I have NEVER worn a bikini, if you can get this body into a bikini, I will love you forever!" She used to be a competitive body builder before she had babies, so there may be hope for my doughy ass after all!! It's not the exercise I find hard, it's the restricted eating that gets me, but whatever, one day, meal, minute at a time. If I can quit smoking, I can quit donuts, no?
I feel optimistic and self actualized today. I think Daddy-o slipped somethin' into my coffee this mornin'-HAHA! Roll with it, I say.
I'm off to get groceries, all BY MYSELF!!!!! Ah, the things we mothers look forward to.
Devo
I feel optimistic and self actualized today. I think Daddy-o slipped somethin' into my coffee this mornin'-HAHA! Roll with it, I say.
I'm off to get groceries, all BY MYSELF!!!!! Ah, the things we mothers look forward to.
Devo
Friday, April 20, 2007
GOODBYE WINTER?????
In true Alberta form, we are fully ensconced in wet, heavy, slushy snow! No more sunshine for this cat! It's been falling for a couple of days now and I feel a bit grumpy about it, I have to say. Maybe even a lot grumpy. HUMPH! I had to call in and let the school know we would be coming later as it had drifted all up my drive and was pure ice underneath first thing this morning. There were cars stuck everywhere so we hunkered down until 10 and then I shovelled it all and by then the roads were fine. That shit is heavy, dudes! I couldn't envision everyone stuck here all day together when in my mind it was a school and work day for everyone, so I am relieved that they are all out, except my lovely husband, who is downstairs killing people on his video game. Not that I am accomplishing sweet fuck all, but whatever. I am puttering, which is nice in its way.
So that is my life today, and I await some sunshine with a worm on my tongue, with my tongue in my cheek, with my wit in the toilet, all of the above. Maybe I should go make some snow angels or something. But I just did my hair so I can't. If you knew my hair, you would understand. Going now, this is ridiculous. I take comfort in the sad knowledge that most of you are covered in a snow drift as well, isn't that cheerful of me? ha.
Devo
So that is my life today, and I await some sunshine with a worm on my tongue, with my tongue in my cheek, with my wit in the toilet, all of the above. Maybe I should go make some snow angels or something. But I just did my hair so I can't. If you knew my hair, you would understand. Going now, this is ridiculous. I take comfort in the sad knowledge that most of you are covered in a snow drift as well, isn't that cheerful of me? ha.
Devo
Monday, April 16, 2007
Four Strong Winds
Well I don't know if we had all four at once, but we definitely could inspire Ian Tyson out here now that spring has sprung! I left my home looking like the snow covered tundra and returned to twisting twirling winds bathed in sunshine and the sound of lawn mowers thatching and children playing outside. Oh glorious dirt filled gusts, where have you been? Swirling through the heavens no doubt. So now we brace ourselves for much dirt in the eyes, hair and ears and we all smile and be happy that there is no more snow or cold and the sun is showing its pretty little face. Yay! And I do mean it. People who have never lived in Alberta would likely wonder on a short visit what it is that we love about it. I'm not sure I even knew I loved it until I moved away and then came back. Or why. Now I could try to explain it, but it would take a long time and I can get pretty long winded at the best of times, so I will try to be brief......
We have some great big sun, and it shines so crystal white in the immense blue sky that sweeps all around us. Sometimes it is such a cutting whiteness of the sun in the summer sky that it makes my eyes weep. When the storm clouds come in the summer, they roll through that huge sky so round and filled with expression and the falling sun makes the sky glow in rich hues and patterns only seen in Alberta. The grey and brown of the rolling hills are dotted with old and new farm buildings, some cracking and falling under the weight of years of neglect, others shining and rich with prosperity. The earth holds all this promise when it lies dormant and offers gifts beyond food when it is growing and fertile. The smell of the earth when it comes alive in the spring is better appreciated by the loss of it the other six months of the year I suppose. I could say it's the people, or the giving of the earth, or the chinook winds that help us to make it through the long winters, but really it is hard to explain. I am connected to it in ways I don't even understand.
We just spent a week in a beautiful place, with massive trees and the ocean, and all the beauty of rain and sun and birds and pathways, and I felt so glad that I had left it and moved back to Alberta. Funny that. We had a great time, a whirlwind tour of many friends and family and much food and drink, and we were very relieved when the 13+ hour drive home ended on Saturday night. The kids travelled so amazingly well, they really are getting big and easier to travel with! So nice. They had a great time, and so did we. I have spent the past two days doing laundry, unpacking, cleaning up, restocking the house, and getting everyone back to normal. Sheesh, now I need a holiday from my holiday! I got my lovely sister's newest piece of musical work, and I know I am biased, but I think it is really very excellent! I am proud of her, she is very talented and has a lot of courage to continue forward as she does with her dreams intact. She just might make it to the point where she can live on her art if she keeps going as she is. The CD is called Atlantis, and her group is Tour de Fours, maybe one day they will be famous! And then she can take care of me in the manner which I wish to be accustomed, haha!
I only had one brief opportunity to get online while I was away, and I was too busy to really have much time to miss it, but I kept wondering to myself how my little buddy Chunks was doing with all her moving and painting and children and so on and so forth, and wishing I could check on her and the many others I find a couple moments here and there to read. I don't comment much, but I always read and enjoy, even when the writer thinks they have nothing to say. I have noticed that a lot of people seem to think they have nothing of interest to say lately, it must be post winter doldrums or something. Or if you're Torn, you may be still fully immersed in winter again, still, what the fuck ever. I feel for him, it has been a painfully long winter for most of Canada this year, I think. I hope the sun starts shining for everyone soon.
Well that's all for me, I'm all out of wind. I love Ian Tyson, in a little Canadian girl who listened to music with her daddy a lot kind of way. I sooo wanted to be a country singer when I was a little girl. Among other things.
Devo
We have some great big sun, and it shines so crystal white in the immense blue sky that sweeps all around us. Sometimes it is such a cutting whiteness of the sun in the summer sky that it makes my eyes weep. When the storm clouds come in the summer, they roll through that huge sky so round and filled with expression and the falling sun makes the sky glow in rich hues and patterns only seen in Alberta. The grey and brown of the rolling hills are dotted with old and new farm buildings, some cracking and falling under the weight of years of neglect, others shining and rich with prosperity. The earth holds all this promise when it lies dormant and offers gifts beyond food when it is growing and fertile. The smell of the earth when it comes alive in the spring is better appreciated by the loss of it the other six months of the year I suppose. I could say it's the people, or the giving of the earth, or the chinook winds that help us to make it through the long winters, but really it is hard to explain. I am connected to it in ways I don't even understand.
We just spent a week in a beautiful place, with massive trees and the ocean, and all the beauty of rain and sun and birds and pathways, and I felt so glad that I had left it and moved back to Alberta. Funny that. We had a great time, a whirlwind tour of many friends and family and much food and drink, and we were very relieved when the 13+ hour drive home ended on Saturday night. The kids travelled so amazingly well, they really are getting big and easier to travel with! So nice. They had a great time, and so did we. I have spent the past two days doing laundry, unpacking, cleaning up, restocking the house, and getting everyone back to normal. Sheesh, now I need a holiday from my holiday! I got my lovely sister's newest piece of musical work, and I know I am biased, but I think it is really very excellent! I am proud of her, she is very talented and has a lot of courage to continue forward as she does with her dreams intact. She just might make it to the point where she can live on her art if she keeps going as she is. The CD is called Atlantis, and her group is Tour de Fours, maybe one day they will be famous! And then she can take care of me in the manner which I wish to be accustomed, haha!
I only had one brief opportunity to get online while I was away, and I was too busy to really have much time to miss it, but I kept wondering to myself how my little buddy Chunks was doing with all her moving and painting and children and so on and so forth, and wishing I could check on her and the many others I find a couple moments here and there to read. I don't comment much, but I always read and enjoy, even when the writer thinks they have nothing to say. I have noticed that a lot of people seem to think they have nothing of interest to say lately, it must be post winter doldrums or something. Or if you're Torn, you may be still fully immersed in winter again, still, what the fuck ever. I feel for him, it has been a painfully long winter for most of Canada this year, I think. I hope the sun starts shining for everyone soon.
Well that's all for me, I'm all out of wind. I love Ian Tyson, in a little Canadian girl who listened to music with her daddy a lot kind of way. I sooo wanted to be a country singer when I was a little girl. Among other things.
Devo
Friday, April 6, 2007
Au revoir!
I am off tomorrow, leaving this snow laden shithole for greener and hopefully warmer pastures!! Well I guess my home is not a shithole so to speak, but it is definitely covered in snow and has a cold bitter north wind blowing through it day and night. Did I mention how tired I am of it being winter? Yeah.
It is spring/Easter break here now, so no school for the next week. We are heading to the bible fondler's in Creston, BC for the 1st leg of the trip, and then onward to the Vancouver area for the rest of the week. It will be very busy, trying to cram in visits with several different groups of people, but I am really looking forward to a roadtrip and some fun and adventure in my life. The kids are excited to go see everyone and my mom always plans a lot of fun for them when we go to Creston! It is such a lovely little sleepy town nestled in the Kootenays with little fruit orchards and local artists and antique shops everywhere, so I really enjoy it when we go. The weather there is always so much nicer than here too. I may not want to return home again.
I got the rest of my painting completed so now I will take a break before I continue on the family room level. It is already looking so much better that it motivates me to carry on. I am not very technical so I really have no idea how to post or link anything yet, otherwise I would have put pics up for Jenny. I chose a warm deep brown for three smaller walls in the kitchen, it is called Truffle Oil from Crappy Tire, and then the other one I chose for the large vaulted ceiling wall that is shared with the front living room was Sandust from Home Hardware's Beautitone line. It came out very nicely. I am switching to Home hardware for my needs as the customer service there truly puts the Crappy Tire to shame. They suck, truly they do, at least here in my small town they do.
I have been getting my last online fix before I disappear for the next week. I am going to be so busy catching up on everyone when I get back! In the meantime, I wish you all a wonderful Easter weekend, regardless of what it means or doesn't mean to you. May peace and happiness be with you and your loved ones!!!
Devo
It is spring/Easter break here now, so no school for the next week. We are heading to the bible fondler's in Creston, BC for the 1st leg of the trip, and then onward to the Vancouver area for the rest of the week. It will be very busy, trying to cram in visits with several different groups of people, but I am really looking forward to a roadtrip and some fun and adventure in my life. The kids are excited to go see everyone and my mom always plans a lot of fun for them when we go to Creston! It is such a lovely little sleepy town nestled in the Kootenays with little fruit orchards and local artists and antique shops everywhere, so I really enjoy it when we go. The weather there is always so much nicer than here too. I may not want to return home again.
I got the rest of my painting completed so now I will take a break before I continue on the family room level. It is already looking so much better that it motivates me to carry on. I am not very technical so I really have no idea how to post or link anything yet, otherwise I would have put pics up for Jenny. I chose a warm deep brown for three smaller walls in the kitchen, it is called Truffle Oil from Crappy Tire, and then the other one I chose for the large vaulted ceiling wall that is shared with the front living room was Sandust from Home Hardware's Beautitone line. It came out very nicely. I am switching to Home hardware for my needs as the customer service there truly puts the Crappy Tire to shame. They suck, truly they do, at least here in my small town they do.
I have been getting my last online fix before I disappear for the next week. I am going to be so busy catching up on everyone when I get back! In the meantime, I wish you all a wonderful Easter weekend, regardless of what it means or doesn't mean to you. May peace and happiness be with you and your loved ones!!!
Devo
Sunday, April 1, 2007
Hallelujah, it's Sunday!
Not to say I am a religious woman, but I have things to be happy about. So Hallelujah!! My MIL left today! Sounds rude of me perhaps, but it is nice to have my space back and all that. She gets on my nerves after a few days as she is quite intolerant in some ways and admonishes me when I speak out to my husband (her darling offspring). har-de-fucking-har. Nuf said.
And then I suppose if I were religious, I could say Hallelujah!! just because it's Sunday. If I wanted. Don't get me wrong, I'm no atheist or agnostic or whatever, but I am not a churchgoer either. No organized religion here, thank you ever so much.
I can also say Hallelujah!! because the kids had a long weekend from school and are bored since it was cold and snowy all weekend and they will now be returning to school and leaving me in my newly empty house to fart and make messes and do whatever the hell I like. Praises be to the public school system I say!
Then there is also that I got a bonus at work yesterday, a piddly one, but free money nonetheless and I look no gift horses in the mouth, or at least I try to avoid doing so, hehe.
I'm sure there are many other wonderful things I could be saying a big fat Hallelujah!! about as well, but they are escaping my weak and delicate sleep deprived mind at the moment.
In other news, I feel as if I have been painting my main floor for friggin ever, and I am still not finished. I was going to do some of it today but I felt too tired and I had a heartbreaking book to read which was making me cry alot and apparently I felt like crying so I kept reading it until it was all done. Chunks recommended it, a Meg Tilly novel called "Gemma" and let me say, it is not for the faint of heart, it was a heartbreaking and disturbing read and it was really well written. And so incredibly horrid and beautiful all at the same time.
So that is all for me, tomorrow is another day and I feel compelled to paint. Wish me the motivation to succeed, I may need it. Happy Sunday to all, and a great big friggin Hallelujah to top it all off! Please note that this is not meant to offend the religious in any way, shape, or form. I loves me some bible thumpers, my parents are two of my favorites!! Well they don't really thump them, it's more like fondling really-haha!
Devo
And then I suppose if I were religious, I could say Hallelujah!! just because it's Sunday. If I wanted. Don't get me wrong, I'm no atheist or agnostic or whatever, but I am not a churchgoer either. No organized religion here, thank you ever so much.
I can also say Hallelujah!! because the kids had a long weekend from school and are bored since it was cold and snowy all weekend and they will now be returning to school and leaving me in my newly empty house to fart and make messes and do whatever the hell I like. Praises be to the public school system I say!
Then there is also that I got a bonus at work yesterday, a piddly one, but free money nonetheless and I look no gift horses in the mouth, or at least I try to avoid doing so, hehe.
I'm sure there are many other wonderful things I could be saying a big fat Hallelujah!! about as well, but they are escaping my weak and delicate sleep deprived mind at the moment.
In other news, I feel as if I have been painting my main floor for friggin ever, and I am still not finished. I was going to do some of it today but I felt too tired and I had a heartbreaking book to read which was making me cry alot and apparently I felt like crying so I kept reading it until it was all done. Chunks recommended it, a Meg Tilly novel called "Gemma" and let me say, it is not for the faint of heart, it was a heartbreaking and disturbing read and it was really well written. And so incredibly horrid and beautiful all at the same time.
So that is all for me, tomorrow is another day and I feel compelled to paint. Wish me the motivation to succeed, I may need it. Happy Sunday to all, and a great big friggin Hallelujah to top it all off! Please note that this is not meant to offend the religious in any way, shape, or form. I loves me some bible thumpers, my parents are two of my favorites!! Well they don't really thump them, it's more like fondling really-haha!
Devo
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