Sappy dog lovers unite!

Yes it's official. I love my dog.

I always used to think people who cried excessively over or doted on their dogs as though they were children, were, well, a bit silly. Overly emotional, dramatic, shall we say.

I dropped Casey off this morning for her spay. She knew something was up, no food, leaving with us to take kids to school, then to the vet. Tail was firmly between legs, legs bent, shaking like a damn leaf, and my heart almost cracked leaving her there. I felt her fear and I started tearing up just like all the other softies I inwardly scoffed at all these years.

Fuck. Guess I really am a dramatic sap after all. Or maybe I'm just normal, whatever that means. I am always embarrassed crying in front of other people, it's not my thing. So when I was berating myself and apologizing to the girl, she said something like, "If you didn't cry, we would think it unusual, this is what everyone does." Oh well then, I guess it's ok to be a blubbering idiot. Sorry, not I. A few drops fell and that was it. Done. I am worried though and feel so sad for her being all alone with strangers overnight.

In other news, I am finally done my shopping, but it is all hidden all over the place and not wrapped. I just sent some cards and a couple of parcels yesterday, and it cost me more to send them than it did for the contents! I had to express them so they would arrive on time, and then after that, I thought, damn! Why didn't I send them on the trusty Greyhound (our national bus service)?? It would have been faster and so much less expensive! Duh. Next year.

I got my real tree last night. I have a very old fake one that I let the kids decorate however they like. It always kind of drove me a little crazy inside having it look so mish mashy and uncoordinated, and lopsided, so when we moved here a couple of years ago, in one of my many efforts to soothe my insanity, I bought all gold and cream ornaments and accessories and started a new tradition of mommy's tree. I love this new tradition, it truly provides me so much pleasure that it is a bit obscene. Tonight I dress my pretty tree and sit before it with a glass of rum and nog. After the concert and bake sale that we are doing at the school that is.

My parents and brother arrive tomorrow and the insanity of the season begins. I love it. A few other family members sprinkled here and there and lots of fun and food.

Right after New Year's my parents and siblings are heading to Regina for my nephew's grad from RCMP basic training. Crazy. I remember him still as a little boy. Now he's this big tall man with a whole new set or responsibilities.

I should be at the gym right now getting some exercise, but I felt the need to blog. I'd best be getting my shortcake/buttertart/lemon slice ass moving though.

Happy Hol's peeps!!!!

oh lordy

It is likely not the best time to be posting, as I have been out all night imbibing, but I needed to say hi to everyone and let you know I am still alive and well and am just busy and distracted these days. I must sleep though, I am grossly deprived and am over a huge hump of busy-ness now-yay! i hope all of you are well and are getting into the wonderful Christmas spirit! Even though I'm not really religious, it's still my favorite time of the year, just all the magic and anticipation and spirit of it all. I have such great memories of it, family and love and giving, it's all good, no complaints.

Peace to all of you!

sky

Here's a pic from my trip while back. I love the sky. I have no idea why this is underlining itself but whatever. The sky has been doing all sorts of fancy and beautiful things this past while and I could look at it for hours, given the time and solitude. Happy Friday everyone!

I have issues

News flash, right?? haha.

If you read Rox, then you already know the story. Thing is, I am feeling completely out of sorts about not knowing why or how this guy died, and feeling sick for his family, and then there's all the other stuff. Like him being my first love and my "first". Then being sorely disappointed to realize how screwed up he was but spending way too long trying to "fix" him, until I made myself so crazy and him too , that it all ended horribly and hatefully. I held on to that resentment for many many years, and partly because of the problems our relationship had caused between me and my parents. Last year, I decided to bury the hatchet and contact him. Part of me wanted him to still love me and a bigger part of me wanted him to be happy and not living in the past anymore. It quickly became apparent that he was still firmly entrenched and really wanted to meet up and spend time together. I knew what it meant and it scared the hell out of me, but I thought well maybe if I just try to talk to him and explain my side, I can"fix" all of it now. News flash, I have issues. And now I feel guilty for once again writing him off and deserting him in all his depression and dysfunction. I'm afraid he took his life and left his two children and the woman who has loved him all these years and that I may be partly to blame even though it was never my intention to hurt him. I feel so yukky and bewildered and enslaved by all this crap from the past. All these weird feelings and thoughts are running through my mind, and I don't like it much.

I hope he's in a better place and he knows I tried to be what I was able to for him, both times around.

I hope he finally feels peace.

I hope there really is a heaven for him, he was never really that happy here on earth.

I hope he knows I'm sorry that I hurt him in order to save myself.

I hope his kids and wife make it through ok.

Rest in peace, DDS.

Gone

Last Monday she got her terminal diagnosis. Last night she died at home. Her 15 month old daughter is there but she had no chance to write a letter for her or make a video or even say goodbye with a kiss. When they thought it might be back in September her parents took the baby back east since she was sick and in pain. Then they told her it looked like maybe it wasn't back but she still felt so sick and had so much pain while they waited for tests that she couldn't care for the baby so she stayed put with the grandparents. By the time they got her back to her mother it was too late. I've never met them but I feel such incredible pain about it. I cried on and off all day with K as she talked about it with tears rolling down her face. We have no coverage for her so she had to come to work but left early so she could help the family. She lost her mother the same way, and very quickly, when she was 16 years old. My heart is aching for them all. Even the thought of leaving my children behind makes me throb inside. I wish cancer would fuck off.

Chicken Little

Holy crap.

I have PMS. It's a cranky time, but not a psycho cranky time so I can't really complain.

My life is so busy and will be for the next couple of weeks as I'm covering holidays for someone so am working more than I really wish to. I am having a really hard time finding time to go to that gym I joined and it's rankling me because the desire is there, but the means is not. I'm going to a yoga class in the morning though and I hear you have to get there early to get a spot on the floor so I hope I make it in.

My kids are so excited about the massive sugar blast tomorrow! They party and binge all day at school so they're good and fucked up before you even get them home. Then you try to force some broccoli into them and clean the crumbs and drool off their wrinkled costumes and forge out into the cold to fill bags and buckets full of tooth decaying crap. WOOHOO! What a party it is though. I remember how fun it was for us and I get it, but as a parent it feels a bit obscene to me. haha.

A woman I work with just found out her 31 year old SIL who has a 1 year old baby has terminal cancer. Fuck. That is so not fair. I know she also lost her mother to cancer so this is just so not cool. I didn't know what to say to her and I didn't want to make her cry. It's fucking awful. Damn cancer anyways.

We were talking today about all this crap talk about how our premier is upping the oil and gas royalties in our province, and now all the oil and gas people are fucking crying about it and saying they'll have to leave so they can make money, and we better be careful what we support because our costs will increase if it happens, blah fucking blah. I call bullshit first off. So they make a few million less, they still make a fuck of a lot of money so boo hoo. And also, maybe if they want to go elsewhere, they should. Then maybe we can support some alternative energy sources that won't vaporize the damn planet and they can lose their friggin monopoly and we can call it a success. I don't buy that propaganda that starts up every time big business thinks their bottom line is going to suffer, and all of a sudden the damn sky is falling. WHAT-EVER!
I wish people in this province would pull their greedy heads out of their asses sometimes.

Rant over. Whew, I feel better now.
Caio babies.

I love annie

I know, I know. I have not changed religions, not that I had one to begin with. I am not anti-blogging, I am not sad, I am not injured, I am just so friggin busy that I barely have time to pee. Other that life being super busy lately, I am doing great, for all of those who care. And I thank you for caring, I really do. :)

After I returned from my wonderful beautiful weekend of quiet, I fell headfirst into planning a party, working too much, catching up on housework, volunteer duties at the school, and both kids starting their respective winter activities. My son is playing hockey for the first time this year and is totally loving it, but it is a bit of a time hog, so it's all another schedule juggle in our busy lives. We spend last weekend getting a playground built at the school so it's just been super hectic. Thank God for the drugs. And I mean that whole heartedly!!!

I feel like the me I was supposed to be all these years. I have little to no anxiety at all, I am able to get angry and then drop it without flying into a red rage, I am not paranoid about others and what they think of me anymore. I can still laugh, likely more than I did before, and I can still cry so it's not like I've flattened out. I wish I had done it 20 years ago, I really do. I suffered for no good reason and I am so happy I finally admitted that I needed help. Wow. I am now feeling like I am the person I have always strived to be. I don't panic at the mere thought of vulnerability or opening up too much. It is just so great and I see the difference already in my family because of it.

I have had two horribly obnoxious and nasty colds in the past month and a half so I am hoping the snot is all done with until the New Year! I lost my voice for almost an entire week and that was hard for me, but I think my kids loved it-haha!

Today I did the recycling pickups and then went with the car to the give and take at our local depot. I found some goodies and I was struggling to get them into my little car to no avail. This older couple pulled up beside me and asked where I lived cuz they wanted to load up my stuff and drive it home for me. How freaking cool is that?? Before, I would have felt like crying accepting such a nice gesture and then felt anxious about accepting and a whole myriad of crap. Today I felt overjoyed and buoyant and thankful and that was all. It is magnificent!! I got a solid wood sideboard with sliding doors and a lovely little drawing desk on casters for the kids. Both are solid wood and in great shape and will look awesome after a nice coat of paint. SCORE!! Life is good today, I'm tellin' ya. Now I am heading back to pick up a nice white door I saw there that I am going to put legs on and use as a craft/art table so I can have my supplies at the ready and organized!!! I am cranked up on all this today!!

I have been listening to the new Annie Lennox cd all morning and it is pure gold, absolutely beautiful and full of loveliness. All the sisters and maybe even some of the brothers need to listen to this one, it is worth every cent I spent buying it in hard copy.

The sun is shining, and this day is rolled out before me. Have a great one everyone!

The weekend was sooooo relaxing. Who knew I could sleep so much if left to my own devices? I didn't draw as much as I had thought I would, but I wrote, read, took copious amounts of photos, and shopped to my heart's desire, mostly just browsing, but it was so relaxing to just do whatever I wanted and not be on a schedule at all.
I left late Friday and headed north on a scenic secondary highway, stopping a lot along the way to take pics, and change my music. I ended up in Lacombe, which is a small town of about 10000, and has a lot of historic buildings and is very quaint and pretty. I found a B & B on a farm west of town, run by a couple who are originally from Holland, as so many of the farmers in the area are. I had a comfy little room and my own bathroom, and a main sitting area for all guests to use. The only other people there were fresh off the plane from Holland, in Canada for a month of touring, and spoke very little English, but were very nice and we attempted some conversation, which was fun for me.
I slept over 10 hours the first night. When I woke up, I looked out the window at the trees all around and saw a horse outside of the window, the sun shining over the whole thing, with a shine of morning dew. It was so peaceful and pretty, exactly what I wanted to wake up to. After a huge yummy breakfast, I headed out with camera and sketchbook for a long walk down the country roads and some picture taking and sketching, and came back to sit and draw. It didn't take long before I was asleep again, for about 3 hours!!! After that, I headed into town and toured about, and the rest of my trip was more of the same, shopping, resting, writing, sleeping, eating, all good.
I came home feeling so rested and relaxed and I thought to myself, this needs to become a yearly tradition for me. So damn good to be with just yourself sometimes.
I'll try to get some pics downloaded and posted in the next few days, it's back to real life and my sometimes crazy schedule.
Hope you all had a great weekend too. I got the new Joni Mitchell cd for my journey, it is really sad and thoughtful and a great listen. I also finally picked up Amy Winehouse, and it is also a great listen, that girl can sing.
Peace out people.

I'm off

And no, I don't mean my rocker, although I can't blame anyone who thinks as such-har har.

I am not even a blogger. I can't even pretend to be. I am making it a weekly thing these days. I'm much more voyeurist than performer, apparently.

I am flying the coop tomorrow. I have managed to avoid any real planning of any sort, and am really hoping that it doesn't bite me on the ass real hard about 10 pm tomorrow night when I can't find a room to sleep in. Pray for me. heehee. I am feeling nervous and excited. I am flying solo all the way, for three whole nights. All alone. Sounds really nice, yet I am so not used to being alone for longer than a couple of hours that I am a bit worried that I will feel lonely, and I don't want to waste my sabbatical on petty emotions such as loneliness. I want to savour it, enjoy it, live in the moments, and take them in.

Since I have no plan and wish to not feel rushed in any way, I am going to the gym in the morning for a nice workout and then coming to get ready at a nice leisurely pace, then doing some last minute prep shopping and packing. It may be dinner time before I get my lazy ass out of town and I just don't care. I aint cooking the dinner, and that's all that matters, mofo's!! haha.

My hubby had already taken the Fri and Mon off for me to go on the wine tour I jammed out on, so I am free to roam the rangelands until sometime Monday. It just feels bizarre to me, it's almost like some sort of out of body thing, usually he's all worried and wanting to know the plan and what and where and why and how and he is totally laid back about it as well. I love it.

I will try to post some pics on here when I get back, I have been busy with life since me little breakdown and can barely find time to my basic maintenance these days it seems. I deserve a break me thinks. And a kitkat bar.

Ciao for now and have a fantasmigorical weekend!!

A week of Thursday's please.

AAAAHHHHH. No work today, no children, the dog is sleeping, what more is there to life I ask? I was going to go to the gym but ended up chatting at the school with a couple of moms and then I was too late, oh well. I went to a yoga class yesterday and it was really good! My muscles are feeling it today. I like it when they hurt but not so bad that you can't walk or do stairs.

I feel better. The interesting thing to me is that it's not as if my moods are dulled or I feel flat or anything, which I was worried about. It just helps me keep things in better perspective, and not fly off the cliff when things go a bit south. I like that. A lot. I will stay on it for a few months and see over the course if it really makes a difference during the pms times as well. It is making me tired though but I am hoping that will ease off a bit as I get more used to it. I see the doc at noon today to see how it's all going so far.

Tomorrow there's no school so I think I will just take this day and enjoy it thoroughly. I have so much cleaning and crap to do, but it's not like it's going anywhere so I think I'll consider that tomorrow instead.

I was supposed to go on a wine tour at the end of the month with my sister and some of her old bitty friends but I backed out. I am now planning a personal retreat for myself which will involve driving, picture taking, drawing, reading, and sleeping. Oh and maybe some eating, haha. I want to keep it as unplanned as possible, and allow myself to relax into the flexibility of the whole thing. Wish me luck with that, as I tend to be a planner and then ruin it for myself with worrying about details. Silliness. As long as I can find a room to sleep in, it's all good.

I wish I could package the quiet of my house right now, and open it up when I need some. Maybe that's what meditation is for....... . I should try that. I would need some zen music for that I suppose. Yikes, I'm getting all new agey here, it's freaking me out. haha.

Here's wishing you all a week of Thursdays like this one.

Crawling out of the trenches...

Good lord. This past month has been total crap. I have never felt so miserable for so long ever before in my life. It was awful. I would think it was ending and it would come back even worse than before. My poor family was suffering, never mind me. I got in early to see my doctor and she started me on Celexa to see if it would help. If it doesn't do it all, she said maybe a mild BC pill to balance the hormones a bit. I finally reached the point where I just didn't care if I took something, I was totally unable to manage it on my own. It was a low point. I then was struck by a nasty head cold and have been down for the count most of the weekend. I am coming out the other side now and am starting to feel a bit less like a mutant. I know it has been building for years, the momentum started to really build with the births of the kids, and it was just a matter of time before I had to do something about it, so I guess now is the time. I feel relieved that maybe I won't be so volatile and irritable because it is not who I am or wish to be.

Puppygirl Casey is cute as hell and growing like mad. The kids are sweet and thankfully forgiving of their crazy mother, and my husband is sweet and supportive and taking great care of me, so I have nothing real to complain about. That's the really ridiculous thing about anxiety and depression. So often we can't think of a good reason to feel that way, yet there it is. It's part of what drives the stigma, the embarrassment one feels. Thinking you should just buck up or whatever, but you can't seem to. That you're weak, or self indulgent, those are things I have thought about depression. I grew up with a depressed mother, and resented her for it. But really I more resented her for just laying down and dying than anything else. So I can't blame others if they think them. But in the end, you have to do what it takes. I can honestly say that if it wasn't for my kids, I would continue suffering and plodding like so many others do in order to save some sort of face. Seeing the looks on their faces when I was at my worst this past couple of weeks, well that made the decision for me. I wasn't the only one suffering, I was taking everyone else along with me. Just like my mom did. Not cool.

Happy Fall everyone. Best season of the year.

I tore that bitch up!

Yeah. The contract is fucking toast. It's a regular old peepoop fest in my yard, and I tell ya, best fucking thing I ever did, cuz I was ready to kill myself, the dog and my husband, all in one big fell swoop!! That and spending about 4 hours on the phone with my little godsend, the Chunkster, and mama's almost feeling normal again. This perimeno bullshit is kicking the crap out of me. Last month was a free ride and I knew it. It was good, I felt fine, hardly any moods, no cramps, no aching hips for a week and a half. A girl could get used to that. But NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! The day that fucker ended, my psyche went straight into the fucking shitter. And it stayed firmly put for about 2 and a half weeks. Misery, fatigue, aches and pains, anxiety, psychotic leanings, the whole damn sha-bang. This sucks major dick if you ask me. Note the potty mouth here, I am still not out of the woods. Yeah, it aint pretty, not one bit. Thank God for Coors light. And if that doesn't work I made a dr appt for the 21st.

But I joined a brand new gym that just opened today, and I am going tomorrow for a little spin on the elliptical and maybe a little bit of weights just to get me started. YAY YAY YAY!! I used to go to the gym at least 5 days a week before we moved here and have not had access to one for a year and a half, and I'm sure that has something to do with my lack of mental balance-haha. I feel really excited to get into that kind of routine again, as it feels so good to go and do that for my body every day.

My puppy girl Casey is doing swimmingly. She is cute as a damn button and is starting to figure things out a bit more all the time. We have a bit of a routine now and she is growing so fast it's amazing!! I have to work my first day shift on Monday and leave her alone pretty much all day with only a quick visit at lunch time so I am already feeling bad about it, cuz guilt is my fucking middle name. I know, I know, she's a DOG!! Everyone keeps saying that, but I still feel bad for her to have to adjust for the first little while. Poor little fuzzball.

The kids have adjusted wonderfully to being back in school and I am really loving having some time to myself, it is pure heaven, and NO, I feel no guilt(well maybe a little;) for saying that. haha. But seriously, it's FUCKING GREAT!!!! Yes I love my kids and all, yada yada yada, whatever, it's FUCKING GREAT!! Did I already say that?? hardehar.
So yeah, Rock and Roll aint noise pollution peeps.

Drowning in a sea of pooh

Well I think I was delusional. You know when I thought to myself, having a puppy can't be that much work. Well it is. Mostly because I am trying to teach this little monkey to use only one area of the yard, and that is much easier said than done, apparently. She lets some out where I want her to, and then she trots off when I let her off the leash, and deposits some more wherever she can. This is driving me bonkers. I want to just let her poop wherever the hell she likes, I am so done with it, but I promised my darling husband that I would do this, and apparently that fucking contract is binding for life. Fuck me.

She is a little sweetie though, and has got her name figured out and some of the other nuances of her little life. The kids just love her to pieces, and spend lots of time playing with her. Of course, they are returning to school on Thursday, and I am very much looking forward to that. They have become bored and belligerent, and they spend a lot of time fighting with one another, so I'm done. I need them gone, and we can all get a new routine going again. I feel a bit insane this past week, and if you knew how I am, that means completely f-ing bonkers!

My daughter, the chronic pooh holder, is at it again, even though I have her on all sorts of natural healthy stuff to keep things going, and so she resists and is getting more and more crazy with the whole thing as the days pass. she gets so agitated and emotional when she does this, and it escalates and escalates until she is in pain and has chronic heartburn and is completely plugged again. ARGH! It is so frustrating. It is a total control thing with her and I try so many different strategies with her, and none really work long term. I am afraid she'll be so plugged by Thursday that she will be crazy and manic and out of control her first day of grade 1. Time for some chocolate ex lax perhaps?? Damn it all.

Because school is starting again, I am going to try to change some of my work hours again and hopefully work a couple of day shifts and only one evening, but I have a new boss now, so we shall see if it all pans out as I wish it to. I'm a bit spoiled at my job, I just say when I want to work and they say ok, but I'm not sure if this new guy will be as accommodating. Then all of the sports and volunteering can start again, and I will feel like I'm losing my mind again. I try to tell myself to relax and be in the moment more instead of stressing and rushing but it's hard for me to do. I need to start some yoga and some zen breathing or something before my head explodes. Who's got friggin time tho? One more day, one more day, and then I can make some time for me.............................where's some cold beer?

As you can see, I am overwhelmed and counting the minutes until I can have some peace and quiet, and hopefully more poop in all the places I need it to be. Oh and beer of course.

It's all new to me......

Well first I got some new bedding........




















And then I got me a new puppy!

And then I finally took the 5 minutes required to figure out how to download pictures off my camera so I could post them. I took some video with the camera, which I also just figured out how to do, but wasn't sure how to post the video off of it without some sort of software or some crap like that, and I am now in arrested technical development!! I will need assistance from Chunks or maybe hubby for that one, as he is the pc police in our house. Saves us all a lot of grief in the long run really.

Puppy girl Casey is doing great and keeping us all busy and entertained. She went the whole night last night, from 11 until 6:30 before she needed to pee/poop so I was totally impressed!! She is very smart and sweet and I already love her to total pieces!!!!

OH MY GOD, she just asked the kids to let her out by whining at the door!! She is so damn smart, just barely 8 weeks old, only 4 days in our house and already asking to go outside, I am so jazzed!!!! Awesome!

Gotta go clean up some crap now(literally!). Have an awesome day all, and we'll post some vid of the new pup soon!

Canadian loons and all that stuff....

Wow, it's been a week already....I'm not so hot at the regular gig. I'm sporadic at best.

I feel like we are trying to cram as much into this last bit of summer as possible. School starts in less than 3 weeks and the weather has cooled considerably so it's starting to feel like fall is on its way. EEK! I am hoping we'll still have another stretch of warm days but who knows up here in hinterland.

Remember those Canadian vignettes they did in the 70's? It was some Canadian heritage thing, I think it was "Hinterland who's who?" or something, and it was these little educational vignettes about our country, our native animals, and our landscapes. For some reason, it's been on my mind lately. I remember it fondly. Now people need to have all this flash and bling and sarcasm in order to be entertained that it must seem near impossible to engage people on our earth and all it's beauty short of trying to scare the living shit out of them. I don't really think that works either though. People resent it. I want the vignettes again. Simpler times. Maybe that's my whole Laura Ingalls books fascination thing as well. Totally love the idea of simpler times, living off what you could find, settling where you landed. I am a big wimp so I doubt I could handle it at all, but it is a romantical notion I hold dear.

I pick up the little baby ball of fluff this coming Friday so I got my gear and am doing my final prep this week. We are excited to say the least. I know it will be tons of work but I'm hoping I can handle the lack of sleep, it's been almost six years since I had a baby in the house so we shall see. Like I say, I am a wimp. Need to sleep, pooh regularly, have my allergies under control, have enough down time, eat regularly, all that stuff, or I am one cranky gal. Should be interesting to say the least. Hopefully she'll be like my little gal and be a great sleeper. Pray for me. I did survive a non sleeping colicky baby though, so I should be good to go I'm thinking. Either that or me head is firmly planted in me arse!!

We saw some old friends today, it's been several years since we saw them. They live one and a half hours away from us and they had to come to town so we spent the afternoon and evening just visiting and letting the kids play and get acquainted so it was really nice. We need to make an effort to go see them and keep it up, they're too close to not make the trip. They like to camp so I am hoping the more I expose my anti-camping husband to them the faster I can wear him down!!! Yesterday we spent the day in the mountains with some other friends at their camp site and it was a perfect gorgeous day!! We had a great time in that amazing mountain air and spent the whole day outside which was so great! Hubby and his pal overindulged a bit so I drove us all home in the wee hours but it was a really fun day. Until poor hubby woke up with a headache that is. I teased him all day since he never drinks and it is so funny to see him like that when he does. He's really funny anyways, and then get the guy drunk and it's quite cute.
Fun times!

I have another very busy week ahead between work and appointments and planned activities so it may be another week before I post again. Time is flying!!!! Yikes. I am trying to savor all of it and not let myself get too anxious about the pace and the timing and live in the moment a bit more. I'm not always very successful with that since I am a bit of a spaz but it's all a work in progress. Haha, fucking understatement but whatever!

Ciao babies, have a great one.

I'm Back.

MIL left yesterday morning. I think I survived. I am all in one piece, maybe even a tad wistful. It wasn't easy for me, and she and I were both crunchy for a few days each, but we steered clear and I thought a lot about what was bothering me in the moment and why. Last night, when she got home, she called and asked to speak to me, which NEVER happens, and it was to say a proper goodbye as she hadn't done so prior and to thank me for having her, so I felt soft after that, and shed a tear. I am a silly fool about relationships all my life, and lament my and certain other's inability to connect meaningfully. I then periodically try to accept and mourn the loss. I am an odd duck I suppose. Or maybe not.

We had other guests as well. Friends from where we lived prior to moving back to Alberta. Great family, one of the gems we found there that made my loneliness in that cold sea of people more bearable. They stayed the night and most of the next day on their way home from little dude's visit at his mom's in GP. It was nice, but I was relieved to have my house back after the marathon with MIL and all the activity of late. Ever since, I have been cranky and all backwards in my body and spirit. Hmph. I am such a delicate flower, apparently, and am annoyed with myself for it. I am just annoyed in general really.

I worked today most of the day,which was probably better for my family and was certainly a welcome break from all their neediness. I am hoping hubby's return to work tomorrow will provide me with more peace and quiet and I can get my head sorted out again. I was pleased that he took the time and effort to speak with his mom prior to their arrival about what was and was not acceptable for us in our home and validating my feelings to her. It is never too little too late with me, and I felt relief that he finally gave that to us, to me. She said some things that surprised me as well so I have some things to think about.

So thank you all for your thoughts while I have been toiling in the zone over here, and I have to say I did manage to get on and at least read most nights so I maintained some sanity that way. I realized just recently that the blogging is a way for me to be alone even if the house is full of people and it is a valuable tool in that way.

All this weekend, it was our local Rodeo and Heritage Days so it was 5 days of midway, rodeo, trade fair, and a little fireworks. It ended today. We spent some time there on Saturday and it was fun. Everyone else went home after a bit and me and little gal stayed and hung out together which was a really nice treat for both of us. She is such a sweet and funny little person, with this tender little heart. It is always easy with her, even when it's not. I get her. I find much greater challenges with my son, I don't always relate to his inner workings, and it makes it a lot trickier for me to find my way with him. This frustrated me a lot the past couple of days, and I was cranky with him, so I feel unsuccessful as a parent today. Blahhh! I know that is just normal and all that but I am tired.

Goodnight all you lovelies, I must take my crusty old self to bed now.

Well it looks like she's the one! The one I had wanted!!! YAY! I am so pleased that I can now attach myself firmly to this little nugget of cuteness. I am sooooooo happy right now. One more day and I have my life back, catch you all then.

Choices, choices......

Gee, I don't think it's gonna bother me that I have last pick. Does it really look like it matters? How damn cute are they anyways? I mean, really. One is a bit more laid back and I'm kind of hoping for her, but it doesn't matter really. They're both sweet. 4 more weeks. Mama's got some shopping to do for the new baby. :)

I'm Ready

Hey there, ho there. My house is clean, my fridge is stocked, the kids are at a friend's, and I am finishing up some laundry in preparation for the return of my darling husband and his mother. I think I'm ready. No PMS to navigate either, that's all out of the way. Dare I say I feel good? I feel ready anyways.

My business partner and friend, W, and I are taking all the kids to a water park in the city tomorrow for the day, so we will be leaving hubby and MIL here to do as they wish, and hopefully that will work out nicely for all involved. Then on Friday, I am heading up the highway three hours north to go see the little baby girl puppy that is soon to be mine. I plan on taking lots of pictures!! I will make a pit stop on the way back to see an old friend and maybe a sister or two and make an entire day of it. So that's two days of avoidance, pretty good, eh? haha. After that, all bets are off. :@

I took some pics of the new bedding, now I just have to get them from the camera to here, that should take a little help from my darling hubby and then I'll have it all sorted. Give me time, I'll be all technical yet. Well, maybe not "ALL", but a little bit. Let's not push it here. I wouldn't want anyone having any grand expectations of me or anything, cuz then I'd be sure to disappoint. It's a hobby, really. At least from time to time it is.

Today was recycling day, and W did it all again this week while I did children duty. Next week I go again, and I have to say, I really enjoy going out on my own and having the solitude and the hard work combined. It is entirely refreshing and rejuvenating for me. No one talking to me for almost three hours, it's therapeutic. I never realized until recently how much I crave aloneness. I just needed to embrace my antisocial tendencies I guess. It's all good. It's who I am. Problem is, the more I have, the more I want. I'm beginning to understand those people who go live in the mountains all alone and live off the land. I would want someone else there, but not someone too demanding or needy. haha.

So wish me luck this week, I'll be back, hopefully with tales of success and fortitude. Or something close to it anyways.

Ciao.

Insert image here.

So I finally took the time to figure this out!

Happy Sunday all.

gone gone gone i've been gone so long

Well crap, another week has slipped by me in the wink of an eye. How does this happen? One minute it's Friday and then before I know it it's next Friday. I feel like I'm time traveling for fuck's sake.

Recap anyone?

Last weekend we ventured to Red Deer, (which is north of us about 1.75 hours), in order to see my two older sisters and my 25 year old nephew who left the following Tuesday to go for Basic Training for RCMP in Regina. I am pretty close with all of them, keeping all things in perspective and noting that it's all "relative"(haha). We were having a BBQ and staying over for the night with kids and all. It was sweltering hot so hubby and kids went to stay at a friends place who had room for them and whose house was not a friggin' sauna, and I stayed over with my two sisters so we could drink wine and visit late. Everyone's nerves were high since son and nephew were heading away for the real world now. And for some reason, it seemed that I was a bit of a target for mom and son to take some of it out on, so I have been struggling emotionally with some of that ever since. Whatever, I know they were anxious and stressed but they both said things out of the blue to me that were pretty hurtful and critical so I am sorting it out for myself. I spoke with her tonight and found the nerve to tell her how I felt and it was well received so that makes me feel validated at least. It's not a common occurrence so I know I just need to let it pass but I struggle with perspective on myself from time to time.

I then proceeded to work for three days and manage children and home and all that daily chore stuff, only to find that Thursday had arrived and my husband was leaving the next day to go on a fishing trip in Northern BC. So we had a nice night together last night and stayed up late visiting and then he was off to the airport this morning!! He had wanted us to go but since I am the queen of avoidance I opted out of going to see the MIL this year, only to be sucker punched when I heard she was coming back with him-haha! That's what I get for being such an avoider! So I am planning my strategies and making my lists and I will be ready goddamnit. Come hell or high water. Eek, says the little voice in my tummy. She is hard on me, always has been, always will be, and I need to somehow find a way to change the tide, and stop laughing and acting like I don't care that I'm being treated poorly. Blah! Are you sensing a trend here? Fuck.

So here it is Friday again, and I went shopping today after the airport, cuz that's what a girl does. I bought this new set of bedding I have wanted a while and it was pretty pricey but I decided it was time. We bought a new King size bed after Christmas and still hadn't purchased any new bedding to fit it except for the sheets, so it was long overdue. I don't like spending large amounts all in one shot like that, but after the initial nausea, I loosened up and proceeded to the hair salon to get myself a kick ass hair straightening iron I have been eying, and then a few other things, so it was HARD CORE on the Mastercard today and I kind of felt guilty and good at the same time. Sounds Catholic or something doesn't it?heehee. My bed is the prettiest it's ever been and I believe there's something to be said for that, at the risk of sounding very shallow or materialistic. Hot damn it's pretty though!

I also got Stereophonics, "Live at the Dakota", and it is smokin', thanks to Dickey for the music tip! I gotta burn one for Chunks! She's gonna love it! Speakin' of the lovely Chunks, she's in GP tonight, and we had some plans for all nighter on the phone but I'm thinking by the sounds of things down there, she opted for the sleepover, as would I. I'm hoping we get one in soon here, I miss her dearly. That's all, pass the beer nuts. And the beer while you're at it.

So Rock on dudes and dudettes, have a STELLAR weekend!!!

Fake Plastic Trees (I need some!)

Hey babieeeees! It is Friday, and it is hotter than a sonofabitch here. When you are a wimpy Canadian who is used to 8 months of shitass weather all year, it's hard not to feel a bit of pain when the dry hot arrives. Mama's melting. I need me some trees in the yard for shade, a keg of Coors Light, and several good books to read. Oh, and maybe that smokin' gorgeous outdoor daybed I saw at Costco yesterday. I was salivating. Seriously. It was pimped.

My much awaited Costco trip was not what I had hoped for. Alas and alack, I spent the entire day in the city shopping and was finishing up with an hour of shopping every aisle only to have my full grocery cart removed whilst I took my children to the bathroom. Gone. Fucking disappeared. I was so pissed I was sputtering and fuming, and I fed the kids a hotdog, lodged my complaint, got my $25 voucher for my pain and suffering, and hit the fucking road empty handed. Go figure. It wasn't my most shining moment in the spectrum of my psychosis, but what's the mother of the endlessly whining 8 year old boy to do? But fucking lose it that is. All is not lost, we are better now. Next time I go it alone. Don't know what I was thinking anyways to be completely honest. Once, not twice. Right?

I burned my little buddy the Chunkster some cd's last night and I'm test listening to one of them right now. Fuck, Radiohead is the SHIT! This cd, The Bends, is pure beauty. It gives me chills even after listening to it for years and years now. They are gorgeous, absolutely and undeniably. So spectacular in concert too. Makes my heart feel elevated and full. I love music, could NOT live without it, all kinds, all sounds. It is sustenance, like food and drink.

Signed up another client today, two new ones last week, so I am a happy little recycling camper here. It is coming along nicely and makes me feel so good to be doing. Why didn't I think of this sooner?? I am not a business person, I provide the passion, thank you very much. That's why I need a partner:) I get anxious with too many details to think about.

Everyone please try to remember what a great life you have today. Some of the people around you are lonely and stressed and over extended, and may need a hand extended. Always count your blessings, in amongst all the shit that goes on day to day. I hate to sound like the egomaniacal O person, but remember to be grateful. It is so integral to feeling peaceful at points in your day.

Sending love out to all. Have a relaxing time this weekend, take it for yourself.

Fascination street (or the like)

Yesterday was one of those days when everyone was cranky and bored and spent most of the day arguing or in their rooms. I have higher hopes for this day. I am sleeping in most days so I wake up feeling like I wasted some of the day, but I should just enjoy it I think. My kids are finally big enough that I don't need to be up with them the minute they awaken, and it's really only the non-sleeper, my son, who gets up early anyways. Little gal and I roll out of bed about 9 it seems.

I am putting out the Costco feeler today but it is not being really well received. I may just go anyways since it has been months and I have major shopping withdrawals. There is only so much damage you can do at your local Wal mart. I have to drag both kids along with me for recycling business day tomorrow so I am thinking I will have to bribe them big time if I want to get great behavior and cooperation out of them two days in a row. We're looking at a game rental and lunch at Raunchy Ronnie's for this one. Maybe even ice cream, truth be told.

Em said something about an exodus to Alberta and I just think that would be lovely. Even Alberta is not as conservative as most of the southern states, so you're good to go. And lots of oil and gas, if Eduardo is experienced, he's in like Flynn. Whoever Flynn is. Then we just need Torn and Serge and Rebekah to come, and then JT and his gang, and we're like one big happy blogging family. Home schooling is quite popular in Calgary and there is a huge group that does events together and such. I know a few people who do it here and I know there is a great deal of freedom, you just follow the curriculum and they provide money and books, etc. and you are free to do as you please for the most part. The actual hours spent are minimal compared to the hours most kids spend in the schools. But Em probably already knows that.

Things are pretty quiet in the blogosphere of late, thank goodness for the hardcores like Chunks, Patricia, and Dawn, or my pc life would be dull and empty. I still somehow manage to spend more time than is likely healthy in front of this thing, this altar at which I seem to worship. I often think it is just another distraction I provide myself with to avoid seeking that which would challenge me creatively but whatever. If not this, then macrame or word find puzzles. I stop at nothing to avoid self actualization don't ya know. heehee.

And on that note, I will say goodbye, Happy Tuesday, and all that other good stuff.

And grace,too

I apologize if I gave anyone the impression that I am a disliker of the thunderstorm. Not I, said the curly haired girl. I LOVE thunderstorms, walking in the rain, and all sounds and smells associated with them. However, tornadoes are not something I am a huge fan of. Nope, not even a little bit, me no like. Just clearin' that up.

Where have I been, you may ask? Well, it is a long and sordid tale, full of action, angst, and the like, none of which I will bore you with, but suffice it to say, I am happy it is Friday!!!!! I had some family here on and off for the past week, and it was busy and a bit codependent and frustrating, but all in all, it was good and can be now perceived as a positive experience in hindsight-haha. I wish I were better able to cohesively relate to and enjoy some of the moments of my life as they are happening, rather than just appreciating them in retrospect. Ah, the art of flailing, as Em so aptly put it, I am a master. A grand fucking master, actually. :)

So now it is Friday, and I spent the better part of the evening on a long phone call with my youngest sister, who lives in Vancouver, laughing and talking and sharing, and it was so nice and relaxing and centering. And the four beers didn't hurt either. I am finally reaching the point where I just don't take on any of the stuff that is going on around me when I am taking time for myself, and although I know my husband is tired and cranky, I believe in his ability to cope on his own while I talk, and I choose not to take it personally that he is feeling hard done by. I feel like I have a measure of grace today and I like it. These moments are few and fleeting, so I must milk them for all they are worth, damn it.

In case you are unaware of the song title reference, Chunks, it is The Tragically Hip, another band whom I adore and own every album from.

Happy Day 1 of the Calgary Stampede!! May your knackers not be tied in a knot as you are ridden around a large overcrowded arena by a large man with spurs on his boots. Gotta love them cowboys tho, they're just so damn cute. Can't help it. It's a childhood thing......

Ciao babies. Have a supercalafragalistic weekend.

Thunder....AH A A A A A A A

Well peeps, my oh my, here it is Friday and summer hols just started for real and I am NOT DRINKING! What the H-E-double hockey sticks is wrong with me? I really should be, I want to, there are cold beers in the fridge and wine in the rack and here I sit, guzzling Aquafina and feeling tired as all get out. I even started my happy days today and yet I am booze free. Whaaaaa.....tt?

It has been tornadoing, thunderstorming, raining, lightning, hailing, you name it, on and off for a couple of weeks, and another tornado hit outside of town the other night. So....last night, when we started to hear the cracking and booming that sounded like it was in my fargin' bed, both kids ran crying into my bed and my husband left to monitor the storm from the living room, along with my brother who is visiting and not loving the storm action much either. A sleepless night and an early morning, on the first day of hols. I REALLY should be drinking, no? Maybe I'm ill, like, mentally. Well I mean more than usual. It is storming yet again as I speak/type, and I am wanting to just go to bed but I am avoiding the annoyance of having my efforts thwarted by the noise of thunder splitting my house in two. I guess it's not a good idea to be drunk if you have to get the kids under something besides your own fat ass landing on them at the bottom of the basement stairs, as you bolt from the fucking circling funnel clouds. Fun times.

So if I don't get thrown to Kansas tonight with Toto, I'll be back...............................

Hello, is anybody out there?

Holy doodlebugs Batman, my life has been nothing short of crazy lately. Between all the general goings on of school ending, work, the new business, housework, and the rest of it, I have been spinning in circles most days. I have had some ongoing health issues with my daughter and then she got an infected finger and needed iv antibiotics, and well, life carried me away down a big nasty river and spit me out the other end. I feel exhausted. But happy that most of it seems to be abating, for now. Knock on the petrified wood that is my head. My brain is still in there somewhere, it's just a bit.....logey.

One child is done school for the year, well except for her grade one orientation which will be all day Tuesday, and the other one is done the end of this next week. Gymnastics is done, Soccer windup party is this next week, field trips are done, volunteer commitments are done, end of year parties and picnics and presentations and all that "stuff" is winding down, and not a moment too soon. The calendar was overflowing and so was my poor head. Much beer has been consumed of late, it is a coping mechanism which works for me. And I'm almost out of wine damnit. So what's a girl to do but switch to beer? You don't wanna have me drinking the hard stuff, that is just scary. I watched a comic on tv last night talking about Canadians and their whiskey, and it brought back some memories, let me tell you. Yeah... not so pretty I might add. heehee.

I have wondrous joyous happy news, well at least for me it is. I am now no longer, as of today, working Saturdays!!!!!! I have worked every Saturday as well as two or three evenings a week for the past year and so have had only one day per week as a family. I did it, it worked for us at the time, but I am now so ready to spend more of my energy at home, I am elated. Well, and there is the whole new business thing as well, which is going swimmingly. I will still work three evenings per week but now it's Monday thru Wed only. How fucking cool is that? Pretty fucking cool I say! As I slurp back my beer and belch loudly at the screen. Oh yeah!!!

I want Prince to do a private concert for ME!! What is UP with that? How much do you think that would set me back? Well maybe Prince and John Mayer, me and Chunks could go in together on it...hmmmmmm, I may be onto something. Anyone, anyone???? Now would that not be the fucking cat's ass? What does that mean anyways, the cat's ass? What's so great about the cat's ass? Why do we care about it in the first place? Is it a pussy reference, a sexual position reference, what IS it? Someone please clarify.

Back to John Mayer, I was listening to him in the car today on the way to work and I think I love him.....no wait, I DO LOVE HIM! His voice is so creamy and sweet, I could listen to him for days. And I do not care what anyone says, boy is HOT! H-O-T. Oh to be young, single, living in LA, a groupie, Jennifer Love Hewitt even, I'll even sink THAT low, cuz you know, he did her.
A LOT!!!! Her body is a frickin wonderland. I want my body to be a wonderland, just for John.:)

Apparently I have sex on the brain tonight, how odd.....haha. Those of you who know me know that I always have sex on the brain. It's not just the men, fuck stereotypes. I actually think that is a falsehood created by religious leaders and the like to keep women's expectations low, keep them guilty/subordinate and needy/unfulfilled, but hey, that's just me. Most of the women I know want it more than their husbands do, so as with all things, it is completely individual and not based on gender. Blah blah blah, pass the beer nuts. All I need is a big old penis cup and I'm ready to pah-tay........

On that note, ciao for now babies.

Yesterday.......

Little gal, skipping rope in hand, lays it gently before her feet and steps slowly over it. She then tells me, "This is how people used to skip in the old days, real slow like this." And then she does it again. I laugh, and say, " Oh you think we were all pretty slow moving way back then, eh?". She smiles, and says,"Yeah, and you know how they used to fill their swimmin' pools?" "No, how?" I ask. "They just kept spitting in them over and over again!" She says with a laugh. 5 year olds, they are just too damn funny I tell ya.

I, of course, being the verbose parent that I am, couldn't resist explaining the body's need for water and that if it didn't exist to fill swimming pools and the like, we would all perish from thirst. Cuz I'm all fun like that. I also had to inform her that we all skipped a lot more and a lot faster than any kids I've seen lately since we had no video games or tv channels and we all shared one bike between the six of us. But hey, whatever floats your boat, you modern child you.

Life with children is full of interesting moments, be they humorous, painful, joyous, or a whole other range of things. Wouldn't change one bit of it.

Ciao babies!

Karma Police......

Where the hell are they?? I mean really.....is the world of Hollywood going to hell in a hand basket or what? Who am I kidding, there's no "going" here. Gone is the operative term. And that's all I'm gonna say about that, there is lots of shitty karma flying these days, but I'm hoping the happy energy is still flowing freely everywhere else. Balance people, balance.

I went through a HUGE Radiohead phase a few years back and still think they are amazing. Their music takes you somewhere else whenever you listen to it, no matter how many times you've heard it before. I love that. They were another of those concerts that sold shirts that were supposed to fit women but would really only fit a 12 year old girl who doesn't eat her wheaties. That is my only concert gripe I have to say. I don't really want another square shaped too long boxy old shirt, I want a nice shorter waisted shaped tee that is bigger than a size friggin zero though! Girls got boobs, she needs some space here. Don't even get me started on the muffin top. ha. So now I forgo the shirt and just cheer madly for the music. There is nothing better than a live show, that palpable energy is so invigorating.

The kids are home from school today so we are having a slow morning, just the way mommies who hate mornings like to do it. My little gal is going to a friends' after lunch so I can spend some time doing something fun with the little dude. It is part of a re connection strategy suggested to me by a friend who has had similar struggles with her son, and found great success with it. Often boys will just stay away and not really pursue the affection or time together so you forget that they still really need it and are a bit lost. I know we'll have fun doing some one on one, it will go too fast probably. I'm looking forward to it!!

Torn was asking about the business I started. It is a curbside pickup for recyclables. In our small town of 10,000, we have a depot for drop off but no pickup available through the municipality, so a friend and I, in an attempt to hopefully encourage people to do it, and also to maybe eventually earn a small income, will be picking up all recyclables once per week and taking them to the local depot for drop off. Of course, it poured rain and the wind blew like a sumbitch all day, so we got very wet and chased a few lids down the road and such, but much was learned and it was fun and exciting to be doing something that was our very own. We will be trying to build it up slowly so that we can manage our volume effectively because even with the few we have, the volume was a bit surprising. We have some planning to do in order to manage it without spending too much money off the start. I have big ideas for other things to go with it, but all in time I think. Next year both of my kids will be in school full time and I'll have more time to dedicate to it.

My garden is still a hole with lumps of sod on top of it. It has been raining a lot lately and I have been sorely lacking the energy to do something with it, but it requires some more preparation before it will grow anything anyways, as the soil quality isn't that great yet. I was planning the standard stuff, peas, carrots, corn and potatoes, but I may not get it done this year. I'm running out of time already I think, not that I know a damn thing about it really!haha. I am just flying by the seat of my gardening pants really....Oh, and Patricia asked about the wine, always a dry red, usually a Shiraz, or Pinot Noir, this one I got is a Petite Sirah, so I'm looking forward to it! It always goes pretty fast, 28 bottles, that's only one per day-heehee.

Back to the title, can we all just please watch the karma a little better please? I'm not a superstitious person but I do believe in energy and people are just far too self involved these days. Move out of your heads, this is including myself, and look around. Do something nice for a stranger, put someone else first, perform a random act of kindness, forgive someone for being human, let's try to increase the balance in the old ying/yang equation. I am feeling optimistic.......and I really think these actions turn around and reflect themselves in your daily life if you are willing to see it. They may be small, but they're there.

On that note, Peace, Love, and all that good sappy stuff be coming your way. Happy weekend!

Comfortably Numb.....

Well not really, but wouldn't that be nice??? I just need to drink more wine.

I am pleased to report that the insane emotional roller coaster has dulled itself into just a plain old comfortably grumpy mode. Home sweet home.......hahaha.

Where to begin? The past week has been a blur, not much unlike my entire life of late. I do not like being super busy, partly because I still feel like I'm getting nothing done, but whatever, I guess that's just life. I cannot wait for school to end so that the endless demands involved with that dog and pony show can come to a halt. Parent committees, field trips, fundraising, volunteerism, political battles, sporting events, the whole kit and kaboodle can just go jump off a fargin' cliff for all I care. Did I mention I'm counting down?

I worked all day yesterday and the weather was beautiful, so I felt a bit bitter about it. However, my lovely husband dug my garden for me. I smiled and said(exact quote)"I hear all the other husbands are doing it honey, please will you?" He grinned at me and rolled his eyes, so I wasn't quite sure if he was willing to fall into my clever trap. Now I have a gaping hole in my yard and a shitload of sod to get rid of, hopefully I can sucker him into doing some more of it for me this week-haha.

Today was another gorgeous day and I woke up feeling....you guessed it, grumpy! But I packed up the car and we headed to the mountains and took our kids hiking for the first time. We used to go all the time before we had them, but our first one was a colicky cranky bad travelling type of baby, so the road trip became a distant memory PDQ. They are now 8 and 5, and we figured it was time. We had a great day and a fairly challenging hike so I felt like I really got some exercise as well as enjoying a day with my family so it was a double bonus.

I haven't done my workouts for two weeks so I will be getting back on it tomorrow as I know it will really help with my hormonal issues. I will also be pursuing some reading on herbal and other therapies this week so I can tackle it more aggressively before I resort to pharmaceuticals. They scare me a bit, and rightly so.

I am catching up on my laundry right now and hopefully will get a little housework done at some point this week. This Wednesday is the first day for our pickups for the new business so that is exciting and making it all seem real. W is staying home from work tomorrow so he will be in the way somewhat but hopefully I can keep him busy and useful-haha.

All in all, it was a successful weekend, especially since I have yet to burst into flames. Instead I shall just teeter on the edge for the next week or so. Fun times, where's that new wine kit I bought? I think we need to get that fucker going;)

Aloha!

Stop this train....I wanna get off

'cept I'm not sure about the whole "and go home again" thing. Ah, John Mayer, your soft dreamy voice is like the whipped cream on my strawberry shortcake. Or somethin'.....

Oh the sweet bliss of pre-menopausal psychosis. NOT!! I am deeply entrenched and it seems to be worsening at a rapid pace this past year. I am about ready to make an appt with my lovely female doctor who will not be telling me it's all in my head and to exercise more, but maybe provide me with some other options for managing it a bit better. When you reach the point that you just want to discard your body as it feels like your spirit is attempting to claw its way out of it, you know it's time to ask for some help. It feels so emotionally uncomfortable and painful, I can no longer embrace it maturely or effectively.

So, on that sweet note, I will proceed with Chunks' MEME, here goes:Three Things MeMe...

Three Things That Scare Me:
1. Child abductors
2. Semi trucks
3. Pitbulls


Three People Who Make Me Laugh:
1. Roxanne
2. Warren
3. Steve Carell

Three Things I Love:
1. Strawberry Shortcake(homemade only!)
2. Escaping in music
3. Laughing

Three Things I Hate:
1. Self centeredness
2. Gratuitous violence
3. Lazy parenting

Three Things I Don’t Understand:
1. Quantum physics
2. Extreme ambition/workaholics
3. Why anyone would want a stick shift

Three Things On My Desk:
1. John Mayer poster
2. Glass of wine I'm drinking
3. Computer!!!!

Three Things I’m Doing Right Now:
1. Drinking
2. Barely coping
3. Did I mention drinking?

Three Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
1. See my kids have babies/be a cool granny
2. Travel
3. Pursue artistic expression

Three Things I Can Do:
1. Headbang like a sumbitch
2. Make up really silly songs
3. Worry about inconsequential shit

Three Things I Can’t Do:
1. Rocket science
2. Knit
3. Chin ups

Three Things I Think You Should Listen To:
1. Your instincts
2. Advice from your parents
3. Coldplay

Three Things You Should Never Listen To:
1. Male doctors over 50
2. Mean gossip
3. Commercials

Three Things I’d Like To Learn:
1. How to sew really well
2. To play an instrument
3. To be fully spiritual in a healthy way

Three Favorite Foods:
1. Prime Rib
2. My homemade strawberry shortcake
3. French fries and gravy

Three Shows I Watched As A Kid:
1. Mr Dressup
2. Happy Days
3. General Hospital

Three Things I Regret:
1. Losing my virginity so young and to the wrong guy
2. Not asking for more help after having my babies
3. Pleather pants and fingerless gloves

And there you have it folks! Rock on! Oh I almost forgot I'm supposed to tag someone, not sure who is even reading so I'll wing it with Patricia, Torn, and Rebekah!

Sunshine on my shoulders.....

will give me cancer! Didn't seem to stop me from getting a little pink on the shoulders today when I was outside in my sunbathed snow free green grassed back yard pretending to dig a garden. The weather was gorgeous yesterday and today, but I missed all of it yesterday as I was at my boring crappy excuse for a job. Oh well, mama's gotta buy her trinkets y'know.

Like funny little foam hair rollers. I bought some. You might ask,"why would someone with hair like you need rollers?" Well, grasshopper, it's to loosen the nasty old frizzy curls if you can believe it. So I sit here tonight with rollers in my hair and a do-rag on feeling a bit like a babushka or something. I'm sure I'll think it looks like total shit in the morning and wet it all down and start over anyways, but it's worth a shot.

I used to love listening to John Denver when I was young, but I never actually much liked this song. I liked most of his songs that didn't become quite as popular and my parents were huge fans so we listened to a great deal of it! Ian and Sylvia, Johnny Cash, Johnny Horton, Marty Robbins, Elvis, all of that genre. I love it still because it brings me back to what I now see as a simpler time in my life. At the time, I was thinking it was just crap a lot of the time since I was a bit of a drama queen, (probably still am-heehee). Then you become a mom and see it all differently.

Then we got a bit older and my parents started letting us choose the odd fluffy music to bring home, so ABBA was HUGE in our house, and I still love them. Always have, always will. I and the kids watched a special about them the other night and they were enthralled with it and really enjoyed the music even after all these years. Cool. I love it. My little gal is so funny, she was telling me earlier today that she can write her own songs and sing them too and she will be a songwriter when she grows up. The way she says it is the best part really. She does walk around all day making up songs and singing away, it is really something to hear. Pure fun entertainment!!

I hope you all had a wonderful spring weekend, and start your week off refreshed, relaxed, and regenerated. I love alliteration. I know, I'm a geek.

Oh and I had to change my template in order to have it show the damn date as the one I had didn't seem to want to co operate. That was for Rebekah!!:)

We've got everything....

Anyone up for a little Modest Mouse? One of my favorite CD's right now...give them a listen.

http://www.youtube.com/share?v=_TVpv6Um5PA&embed=1

If that link doesn't work it's because I truly have no fargin' clue what I'm doing. But type them in and have a listen. They rock!

It snowed here last night, about a million fucking inches to be exact! Everything is totally covered, about a foot deep on my BBQ and it is still fallin'. How do you like them apples? Me, not so much.

Have a happy day, I am pretending it's spring.

Bewitched, bothered and bewildered...

I know it's supposed to rain on the May long weekend, it's like some sort of unspoken rule, maybe even snow if we're really lucky;), but it made me feel a bit blah and melancholy this weekend. I had me some plans, and they went solidly awry. They involved outdoor activity, digging in the dirt, sprinklers spraying, sunlight bearing down on my shoulders and the like. None of the above came to pass. Rain, rain, rain, and some wind just to make it all the more special. Oh pooh, I say.

A big fat solid smelly one actually. That was for Chunks and Torn. heehee.

I know there are other lovely weekends to come, but I was wanting an escape from the indoor chores which I have been successfully skirting for the past month or so, and so then I was forced to just admit that I am a lazy ass and feel pissed at myself for continuing to avoid with no real great excuse, damn it all to hell! Sometimes I don't like to face the truth, I am a slacker at times. I wander around my house dreaming up things to do so I can avoid washing my floors or cleaning toilets, but at some point, mama's gotta get to it. I know this, but it just seems more practical to do it when none of the messy monsters otherwise known as my family are around to mess it up again in 5 god damn minutes! However, when they are gone, I just want to bask in the serenity and me time and I continue to talk myself out of these nasty chores. I needs me a housekeeper or something.

I followed Chunks' advice and gave my son a humorous booklet about him that I wrote up, complete with slightly nasty illustrations and the odd nasty joke, and it was fun, the whole aftermath of that. Not a lot was said, but the point was definitely well made and well taken. She is one smart mama that little friend of mine! Have I mentioned that I love her?!?:)

Anyways, I'm not sure what has me bewitched, but I am definitely bothered and a bit bewildered. Ella is quite bewitching, so I guess the song itself can be enough.....

My weekend was very nice, just not quite what I had in mind, and I don't do well with change:o
haha. Hope all you cats had a Purrrfect one.

People are strange....

Fuck are they ever! Including myself. I know I know, I have been away for ever, what with the starting the business and the massive hormonal ragings of middle life. I have been unfit for human consumption. Stressing, crying, yelling, ranting, laughing, crying some more, you ladies know the drill, and let me tell you, it is something I could truly do without. The past few years I seriously wish to crawl out of my skin and discard the whole lot, and it just seems to get worse and worse. Me needs me some good drugs! And likely more sleep but that is a whole other story.

My oldest child turned 8 this week. The year he was born it was Mother's Day on his birthday, so he was my first ever Mother's Day gift. His Mother's Day gift to me this year depicted me as an evil monster who yells at him all the time and is only happy when he is in his room, so that made me feel quite shitty. I peeked at it ahead of time and cried my eyes out all that night. When he gave it to me on Sunday morning he was laughing saying it was only meant as a joke, so I think I might take Chunks' advice and do up a little book of my own about him as a joke. heehee. Why is being a mom so hard sometimes? Considering my mood all week, I guess you can't blame the kid.

Yesterday afternoon was his kid's party. He invited 12 kids in total, 2 parents called to confirm! Several of the other kids told him they were coming, so I got all the stuff and was all set to do this t shirt painting goody bag project thing. 3 kids showed up. Is it just me, or is that just beyond fucking rude? Who ARE these people? What is wrong with them? Last year the same thing happened, and I was dismayed. I have never seen such rudeness on that scale before any of the places we've lived and had parties for our kids. Lots of people say it's the town, that it's really cliquey, and I know that it is, but the boys actually seem worse than the girls here. It's not as if they aren't his friends and he's just hoping, they play and hang out at school and they invited him to their birthdays and all that, so what the FUCK???? I think it's the parents who are super cliquey and just basically FUCKTARDS! I am pissed, can you tell? People are such assholes it is beyond me. I know people are busy and it was mom's day and all that, but as if they can't find the time to make a 5 min call. Not the way I conduct my life. Basic manners people. I feel bad for my son, he keeps saying how he feels sad about it. I felt my heart tugging when I dropped him off this morning.

Anyhoo, the business is starting up nicely and we have a few clients already so that is exciting. The weather is beautiful and the grass is green, the buds are coming out, and some of the more green thumb people's tulips are open, so spring has officially sprung! I put a deposit down on a puppy a while ago and we will get her sometime in August so I am waiting!!!!! I am third in line for a little female schnoodle (schnauzer/poodle cross), they are just so darn sweet and smart and small, and I am really looking forward to a new baby that isn't really a baby.

So a Happy Belated Mother's Day to all you Moms out there and I hope everyone was treated divinely and lovingly by those they give so much of themselves to on a daily basis. You deserve it all you mommas!

Have a nice day!

slip slidin' away........

Good golly miss molly, the days, they are slip slidin' away!!! The week has been a blur of astronomic proportions! Where to begin?? First off, I love Paul Simon, and thinking of him singing that song makes me want to sing it too. His music is always so melodic and socially conscious. I need to listen to some Joni, cuz I never have and I bet I would like her too.

The week has been incredibly busy. The friend I went to see John John with has convinced me that we should start a business so all week we have been running around and planning and designing logos and planning our marketing and trying to find out what we need to do in order to do it all correctly since neither of us have done this before. So I have had a very overwhelming week to put it mildly. We are starting a service which is needed but already has one other person who provides it in our town so we'll see if it works out. Nothing glamorous about this venture either. Curbside recycling and kitchen compost pickups. So few people in these farm towns recycle and the awareness really needs to be raised. Most of them have money and little in the way of time so I think it will work. The people who are still on the farms might do some of their own stuff but so many of their kids are now in town and working elsewhere so it really changes things. In no time, they are huge consumers and the environment is often not on their radar. My plan is to put it there, FIRMLY!!! WE have a local depot here which takes pretty much everything imaginable so we can just drop it here for them. Win, win. Scary though. We are trying to do it with a minimal investment to start and then see if we can grow it enough to get a vehicle dedicated to the service. Yeesh, I am so excited and scared and all of these things at the same time.

We also started soccer this week and I am assistant coach on my son's team, which is pretty humorous since I know nothing about soccer!! I was kind of wrangled into it and was feeling so stressed about all of this other stuff and didn't want to go. Then we had such a great time!! It was the perfect distraction from everything that was going on in my mind. It surprised me how therapeutic it was. My husband is coaching our daughter's team too so we head to different fields in opposite ends of town, and it's nice to spend that dedicated time with one child. Last year I was with her and he was with our son so I'm glad we switched it this year. I am sensitive about the whole splitting the family off into genders thing that so many of them do. It icks me out.

My son has been up a lot the past couple of nights A LOT, having bad dreams and feeling yukky with a cold coming on and it has been a bit tiring for me!!! There's no school here today so I slept in a bit this morning, which was just so lovely I can't tell you. My kids are old enough now to be awake on their own a bit in the mornings and I am NOT a morning person at all, so I think I started waiting for that to happen around the age of 2 weeks. haha. Note I always insert the haha's too. I think I learned to do that from having people take emails too literally in the past. It's hard to show enunciations or emphasis so a haha will have to suffice. haha.

Well, time to haul my tush off the chair and onto the treadmill. I have already lost some poundage so it is a great motivator. And it really does set your brain for the day, and reduce stress, so it will be a life saver for me, and my family(HAHA) over this next while.

Happy Friday everyone. Try not to let your life slip slide away!!!

Devo

Monday Monday, lalalalala........

JOHN MAYER IS THE SHIT!!!! He rocked the casbah people! He sounds just as lovely in person as he does recorded, and he is a true musician. That boy can play, and he moves his lithe body around the stage like he is dancing with that guitar. It was truly wonderful. I didn't know every song as I don't own his first two albums, but I enjoyed every minute of it. There was no closeup view on the big screen for us to see his face while he played and I think that was too bad, but I am sort of assuming he chose not to waste all the power to run that thing. He is posting on his blog about making a stronger effort for the environment so I wonder romantically if that was why.

Besides my date with FUGS, I did some shopping, eating, and drinking, and fun was had by all. It is always good for me to take a couple of days away from my full time job as wife and mother and cook and housekeeper and just be Devony once in a while. It really helps me keep some semblance of balance in my inner world. Precarious as it may be some days, balance is maintained-haha.

Thanks to all of you who read that huge post and enjoyed it and left such nice comments. It was a bit of work to write that and I felt I really needed to get it right, so I am most happy that Roxanne really felt that I had done it justice. She is always one of my biggest encouragements to move outside of my comfort zone.

To answer some of JT's questions, my mom has since had treatment for depression and is still struggling with it to this day, but has done a lot of therapy lately and seems to be having a lot of success with that and the latest medications she has tried. My parents never really went to church much mostly because they didn't always agree with what was being taught, and my mom had a lot of hangups, as she was brought up very strong Catholic. One of her sisters spent 6 years in the convent. All of her sisters have struggled with anxiety and mental health issues on and off as well. So although she held on to so many of the beliefs she was raised with, she was always struggling to put things into a new less guilt ridden context. There was a lot of shame and guilt involved in her endoctrination, and she was a sensitive artist type so she took it all more to heart than some people do I suppose.

I think those two things together may serve to explain why they were so all over the map in the way they raised us. Conservative yet liberal, creative yet restrained, joyful yet sad. She was really trying to find her way and dad was the silent partner. He often attended church without her over the years, but it never bothered him. They never ever tried to force us to go, but it was a constant topic of conversation in our house so we didn't need to go really. Anyways, I can't really remember now what the other things JT asked me were, so I guess that's it for now.

I am kind of liking the whole song theme thing for my titles right now, but the material may be a bit lacking??

I hope you all have a glorious day in all your worlds!!

Devo

A herstory of me and chunks

OK here it is. I keep editing and re-editing trying to get it just right, but I'm out of time.

I guess I have a story or two to tell. Or three. The story of me and Chunks is long, and full of tales, good and bad, happy and sad. (Isn't that a song?) Anyways, I remember feelings, details are a sketchy thing with me. She has an amazing memory for details, stories, funny quips from the past. I do not. So I will do my best here. Accuracy may be lacking, but I'm sure she'll let me know if I mix it up!haha.

We met in grade 7, I had moved to our town at the beginning of the year, she came part way through, so we were both newbies. We were instantly drawn to one another.
I was a nerd. Smart, chubby, glasses, really nasty curly hair that I spent hours trying to straighten. My family was poor so my clothes were not fashionable at all, but people seemed to like me anyways. I always had friends from different groups, but I often found the popular girls who befriended me to be a bit boring.

Chunks was not one of those people. She lived on the fringe, you just knew it right away. She looked different than anyone I'd ever met. I thought she was beautiful, and she carried herself with a confidence that I was sorely lacking. She was petite and rather curvy for a girl of 12, and to frumpy old me, that was something! She had these big blue eyes with a little freckle under each one, and this wonderful space between her front teeth. Everyone was intrigued by her immediately. She had this crazy accent, which I soon learned was unique to New Brunswick. Her manner was witty and a bit brash. She wore chokers and had curly hair and glasses like me. I remember one of the boys saying that she wore dog collars and she just kept on wearing them anyways. I thought she was brave and independent. Things I thought I wasn't and aspired to be.

I know she must have come only a bit later in the year because myself and another newer girl were invited to her home for a sleepover for her November birthday. My parents had no idea who her family were, but they were naive and very trusting and they sent me there no questions asked. Well maybe they called her mom to say hi but that was about it.

Her dad had taken a job at the gas plant outside of town and they were living in a company house. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they had little to nothing for belongings and had an even more liberal routine than I was used to. I had mostly been around other poor families before, so it wasn't like it was interesting or odd, it felt more comfortable to me than the middle class homes of other friends I had been in. They were so quiet and sterile. My house was loud and busy with my five other siblings and the folks always underfoot. I preferred the noise and chaos I was accustomed to, just in some different packaging.

We were instant friends. It was pretty quiet at her house that night, I think most of her family was out for the majority of the night and when they did show up, they had friends of her parents there and they were loud and friendly and drinking. I had seen this before as well, so I didn't think much of it at first. Her dad scared me a bit, he made fun of my name that first night and wanted to see if I could take it. I could.

I had spent some time in the homes of some native Indian kids in Dawson Creek, so I knew my way around the drinkers a bit. I found it scary and fascinating. I was a voyeur by the age of 10. My parents never drank a drop, didn't smoke, didn't swear, never argued. Lots of times, they let me go to other people's homes without really knowing anything about the families at all. They had no idea how other people lived. Although it was uncomfortable for me on many levels, I went back again and again. Maybe just to see what would happen next, maybe to be entertained, maybe to escape my own family. There was always a lot of conflict between all the five girls at my house, and it got pretty nasty sometimes, so I was always glad to free of my sisters.

In my home, we were encouraged to sing, argue, be creative, emote, laugh, write, and Mom did the same, but we all knew she was sad most of the time. It was hard for me being there, I never felt like I really fit in well with the rest of my sisters or my family in general. My parents spoke a lot about their inner pain in relation to their families and how God had brought them together. Their marriage was a gift from God. They were born again Christians, my parents, and I had been endoctrinated from an extremely young age. They didn't attend any church on a very regular basis, but they focused what seemed like most of their daily life discussing the bible and God's plans for all of us. I remember thinking, even when I was participating in it, that something didn't seem really right about it. They spoke a great deal of Satan and his tactics. They were in their own world for the most part. And they had this magical relationship with God that I seemed to be unable to access no matter how hard I prayed.

So I did my best to escape, for a variety of reasons. Chunks house, be it crazy and tempestuous, was definitely not a damn thing like mine. Her mother was NOT trotting around the house, singing God songs and baking cinnamon buns, and then crying in the bathroom when she thought no one knew. She was yelling, chain smoking, reading magazines, swearing, talking for hours in animated French on the telephone and scuttling around like a little bird when one of the males in the house yelled for food. She rarely seemed to cook anything when I was there, and when she did, there wasn't a fruit or vegetable to be seen. The fridge was overflowing with food that no one seemed to eat. I was always hungry when I stayed there but had been trained not to ask for anything at other people's houses. So, if no one offered, you just didn't eat. After a few times there, I understood why they were all so small, the house was full of nervous energy and no one seemed to eat anything but toast and cereal!!

Then there was Hoo-ard, the infamous father figure. It took me a while to realize that he mispronounced my name just to tease me, maybe even include me, so I finally starting saying his name wrong back to him. It has stuck all these years. I guess it was our little joke. He spent his time at home on the weekends or on days off pacing around, drinking beer after beer, getting louder and louder, swearing a blue streak, chain smoking and saying mean things to whoever was handy to amuse himself. Well, he was teasing, but it felt mean to me because I was unaccustomed to it. People only teased like that in my house if their intent was to be unashamedly cruel, so it was hard for me to take it lightly at first. Everyone would laugh, so I knew I should laugh too and think of something funny to say back without crossing some undefined line in the process. I knew alcohol equaled unpredictability, I just didn't know the extent of it. He seemed to enjoy me in his way, so I felt like I fit in somehow. I liked it, and disliked it, all at the same time.

Both of them were quite hard on Chunks. She was belligerent and sarcastic one minute, laughing with them the next, and crying in loathing and pain another. I never really understood how that was for her to have an alcoholic for a father. I just thought everyone kind of hated their parents and she was just hating hers for different reasons than some of us did. Everyone in her house tried to laugh along so it seemed a contradiction to laugh one minute at it and then cry the next. I don't think one really can understand it as a kid unless it's their father or mother. My frame of reference was so far removed from hers.

He was and still is a functioning alcoholic. He always provided for his family, and it wasn't long before they bought a house in town and a big tv with Superchannel. We would hang out for hours on end, watching movies my mother never would have let me watch, and listening to the ranting and raving of her dad and/or her mom. Her mom didn't drink in those days, but they would get into it sometimes when he was drinking. He had a weekend band, so they would often come home late on the weekends when I was there, and it would be loud and crazy, and Chunks would be really upset by it. Sometimes there would be other people with them who would sleep on the couch for days, weeks, months, and just hang around and drink with her dad all the time. It always felt dangerous and weird to me to have these strange men in the house drinking, with all these little kids. And the cigarette smoke in that house was horrifying. I would be so congested and sick from it when I would come home, but I still preferred it over my own home at times.

In the summer, Hoo-ard would cook sometimes, and it was always one thing. Two dozen hamburgers with buns, or a huge plate of steaks, or a huge plate of hot dogs. Every now and then, he would make up a huge pan of the most wonderful lasagna you could ever eat, and I remember being so shocked the first time he made it. It was one of the few times you saw vegetables in their kitchen, I think!! haha. They often invited me over when he made it as he knew I loved his lasagna. He was quite proud of it. They often had a steady stream of East coast friends and relatives who would come by in summer and they would sit around outside and in, playing guitars and singing, which was always something I loved every minute of. They loved to laugh, and they all had some nasty old jokes to tell and dirty lyrics to sing for us. Sometimes I wondered in my little Christian-ish mind if those men were a bit perverted or something with all the sexual innuendo, but they were always just looking for a laugh and a red face.

Christmas at her house was boisterous and loud. Their tree was absolutely loaded underneath with gifts and everyone was laughing and eating and imbibing and I thought she had it quite good over there. She got way more loot than I did, so I figured that was a pretty good deal. They didn't have to sit at home quietly and sing religious carols together as a family and listen to all the females in the house be witty and creative and intelligent. It was loud and crazy and a bit low brow and heathen-ish. I liked that. I didn't spend a lot of time there at Christmas so I never got to see her dad go completely overboard and say and do awful things to ruin the magic of it for her. I was a voyeur, and it was so different than my house. I suppose I should have offered her a trade or something, in retrospect. haha. Of course, none of those frilly nighties she got would have fit me. I lived in the land of homemade cinnamon buns, remember?

Chunks has a sister two years younger than we are, and then a younger brother and the little sister. It was like two different sets of kids, two different sets of rules and expectations. It was strange. The younger two were coddled and pampered and whiny beyond belief and she and the older of her sisters were in shit all the time. It was incredibly annoying to watch. It was sometimes like one of those tv shows where you see the little one make a smacking sound against their own arm and start fake crying and then they say "So and so hit me!" And mother would scuttle to their rescue without fail. It worked every time. They got blamed for a lot of crap, and lived under a completely different set of expectations. Myself having the HUGE sense of justice and fairness that I do, found this part of her family dynamic incredibly irritating at times.

Both of her parents suffer from anxiety. It is part of their genetic makeup. Instead of seeking alternatives, they learned to self medicate with pot and alcohol. As young teens, we knew they had a bag of pot in their bedroom and had easy access to it. I don't think that she and I ever took any of it together although I'm sure she did later on during periods of time when she and I weren't hanging together. Chunks and I gravitated towards another fringe group of kids from her neighborhood who had alcoholic parents and blossoming drug addictions. Sometimes, during the summer, we told her parents that we were staying at my house and my parents that we were staying at her house and we would wander around town most of the night looking for something to do. We would end up sneaking into her tent in the backyard if we didn't find any other strays to hang around with. Neither set of parents checked our stories, ever.

She and I were inseparable for most of grade 7, 8, and 9. We drifted apart with boyfriends, and other friendships, but we would always end up coming back together. She was a solid place for me to be, even with her unstable family. That is actually why she was like that. She was the only stable force in her family. She didn't have much choice really. Whenever we would gravitate back toward each other, it was just like falling back into a comfortable routine. I think we hung around on and off throughout most of high school, but we became very close again in Grade 12, when the end was nigh. Our moms and us girls went shopping together for grad dresses and we planned and prepared for it together. My mom tells a funny story about that trip where Chunks' mom used the c word in a funny story and Chunks' jaw dropped on the table in utter mortification. My mom laughed it off and was really cool about it. She had recently learned what the word meant so she was just happy to feel included!! haha. I am really glad that my photos and memories of getting ready and going to Grad are of her and I together. Not some other schmuck I don't even keep in touch with anymore.

Her mom started to drink from time to time later in high school and one night right before our graduation, they were all partying hard one weekend and she decided to leave. I have never seen Chunks so angry or upset as she was that night. I was trying for some reason to convince her to leave the house with me and walk away from it, and she couldn't. She was enraged and tearing everything out of the cupboards and fridge and cleaning and scrubbing everything and yelling and crying for what seemed like hours. I just could not for the life of me understand why it affected her so. I felt so helpless and confused and annoyed by her response. At first I had expected her to be happy because maybe it would force her dad to step up and/or quit drinking. I guess she knew better.

In my family, I felt free to ditch them at any time. I didn't feel I had any active role there I suppose. She felt so trapped, like who else but her would take care of everything? She wanted out, but wouldn't/couldn't even let herself walk outside of the house with me for an hour to cool off. She was chained there by her mother's abandonment. She was in a lot of pain, and I didn't fully understand why until we talked about it many years later. It was HER turn to leave. Not her mother's. Her dad just drank and cried and was completely useless until her mom came back. She did everything to take care of the other kids and the house until her mom returned.

I know that her life with them has made her who she is today. Strong, independent, unaffected by the opinions of others, with an absolutely life saving sense of humor, even in the worst of times. They gave her a lot of pain, but along with that, she developed an incredible sense of self and a determination about her path in life. She had the strength of will and character to create the life for herself that she wanted all those years growing up. And she has paid a price for that, yet is undaunted in her strength of conviction. She moves through her life with such honesty and unfailing humor, that it is impossible for me not to admire her just as much as I did all those years ago. Our friendship is now 27 years old, and the sense of comfort, familiarity and sisterhood that we share will last us a lifetime. And I think fondly of her family and the time I spent in their lives, however crazy it was at times. I am thankful that they brought her to that shitty coal mining town so she and I could be connected for life.