I'm off

And no, I don't mean my rocker, although I can't blame anyone who thinks as such-har har.

I am not even a blogger. I can't even pretend to be. I am making it a weekly thing these days. I'm much more voyeurist than performer, apparently.

I am flying the coop tomorrow. I have managed to avoid any real planning of any sort, and am really hoping that it doesn't bite me on the ass real hard about 10 pm tomorrow night when I can't find a room to sleep in. Pray for me. heehee. I am feeling nervous and excited. I am flying solo all the way, for three whole nights. All alone. Sounds really nice, yet I am so not used to being alone for longer than a couple of hours that I am a bit worried that I will feel lonely, and I don't want to waste my sabbatical on petty emotions such as loneliness. I want to savour it, enjoy it, live in the moments, and take them in.

Since I have no plan and wish to not feel rushed in any way, I am going to the gym in the morning for a nice workout and then coming to get ready at a nice leisurely pace, then doing some last minute prep shopping and packing. It may be dinner time before I get my lazy ass out of town and I just don't care. I aint cooking the dinner, and that's all that matters, mofo's!! haha.

My hubby had already taken the Fri and Mon off for me to go on the wine tour I jammed out on, so I am free to roam the rangelands until sometime Monday. It just feels bizarre to me, it's almost like some sort of out of body thing, usually he's all worried and wanting to know the plan and what and where and why and how and he is totally laid back about it as well. I love it.

I will try to post some pics on here when I get back, I have been busy with life since me little breakdown and can barely find time to my basic maintenance these days it seems. I deserve a break me thinks. And a kitkat bar.

Ciao for now and have a fantasmigorical weekend!!

A week of Thursday's please.

AAAAHHHHH. No work today, no children, the dog is sleeping, what more is there to life I ask? I was going to go to the gym but ended up chatting at the school with a couple of moms and then I was too late, oh well. I went to a yoga class yesterday and it was really good! My muscles are feeling it today. I like it when they hurt but not so bad that you can't walk or do stairs.

I feel better. The interesting thing to me is that it's not as if my moods are dulled or I feel flat or anything, which I was worried about. It just helps me keep things in better perspective, and not fly off the cliff when things go a bit south. I like that. A lot. I will stay on it for a few months and see over the course if it really makes a difference during the pms times as well. It is making me tired though but I am hoping that will ease off a bit as I get more used to it. I see the doc at noon today to see how it's all going so far.

Tomorrow there's no school so I think I will just take this day and enjoy it thoroughly. I have so much cleaning and crap to do, but it's not like it's going anywhere so I think I'll consider that tomorrow instead.

I was supposed to go on a wine tour at the end of the month with my sister and some of her old bitty friends but I backed out. I am now planning a personal retreat for myself which will involve driving, picture taking, drawing, reading, and sleeping. Oh and maybe some eating, haha. I want to keep it as unplanned as possible, and allow myself to relax into the flexibility of the whole thing. Wish me luck with that, as I tend to be a planner and then ruin it for myself with worrying about details. Silliness. As long as I can find a room to sleep in, it's all good.

I wish I could package the quiet of my house right now, and open it up when I need some. Maybe that's what meditation is for....... . I should try that. I would need some zen music for that I suppose. Yikes, I'm getting all new agey here, it's freaking me out. haha.

Here's wishing you all a week of Thursdays like this one.

Crawling out of the trenches...

Good lord. This past month has been total crap. I have never felt so miserable for so long ever before in my life. It was awful. I would think it was ending and it would come back even worse than before. My poor family was suffering, never mind me. I got in early to see my doctor and she started me on Celexa to see if it would help. If it doesn't do it all, she said maybe a mild BC pill to balance the hormones a bit. I finally reached the point where I just didn't care if I took something, I was totally unable to manage it on my own. It was a low point. I then was struck by a nasty head cold and have been down for the count most of the weekend. I am coming out the other side now and am starting to feel a bit less like a mutant. I know it has been building for years, the momentum started to really build with the births of the kids, and it was just a matter of time before I had to do something about it, so I guess now is the time. I feel relieved that maybe I won't be so volatile and irritable because it is not who I am or wish to be.

Puppygirl Casey is cute as hell and growing like mad. The kids are sweet and thankfully forgiving of their crazy mother, and my husband is sweet and supportive and taking great care of me, so I have nothing real to complain about. That's the really ridiculous thing about anxiety and depression. So often we can't think of a good reason to feel that way, yet there it is. It's part of what drives the stigma, the embarrassment one feels. Thinking you should just buck up or whatever, but you can't seem to. That you're weak, or self indulgent, those are things I have thought about depression. I grew up with a depressed mother, and resented her for it. But really I more resented her for just laying down and dying than anything else. So I can't blame others if they think them. But in the end, you have to do what it takes. I can honestly say that if it wasn't for my kids, I would continue suffering and plodding like so many others do in order to save some sort of face. Seeing the looks on their faces when I was at my worst this past couple of weeks, well that made the decision for me. I wasn't the only one suffering, I was taking everyone else along with me. Just like my mom did. Not cool.

Happy Fall everyone. Best season of the year.

I tore that bitch up!

Yeah. The contract is fucking toast. It's a regular old peepoop fest in my yard, and I tell ya, best fucking thing I ever did, cuz I was ready to kill myself, the dog and my husband, all in one big fell swoop!! That and spending about 4 hours on the phone with my little godsend, the Chunkster, and mama's almost feeling normal again. This perimeno bullshit is kicking the crap out of me. Last month was a free ride and I knew it. It was good, I felt fine, hardly any moods, no cramps, no aching hips for a week and a half. A girl could get used to that. But NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! The day that fucker ended, my psyche went straight into the fucking shitter. And it stayed firmly put for about 2 and a half weeks. Misery, fatigue, aches and pains, anxiety, psychotic leanings, the whole damn sha-bang. This sucks major dick if you ask me. Note the potty mouth here, I am still not out of the woods. Yeah, it aint pretty, not one bit. Thank God for Coors light. And if that doesn't work I made a dr appt for the 21st.

But I joined a brand new gym that just opened today, and I am going tomorrow for a little spin on the elliptical and maybe a little bit of weights just to get me started. YAY YAY YAY!! I used to go to the gym at least 5 days a week before we moved here and have not had access to one for a year and a half, and I'm sure that has something to do with my lack of mental balance-haha. I feel really excited to get into that kind of routine again, as it feels so good to go and do that for my body every day.

My puppy girl Casey is doing swimmingly. She is cute as a damn button and is starting to figure things out a bit more all the time. We have a bit of a routine now and she is growing so fast it's amazing!! I have to work my first day shift on Monday and leave her alone pretty much all day with only a quick visit at lunch time so I am already feeling bad about it, cuz guilt is my fucking middle name. I know, I know, she's a DOG!! Everyone keeps saying that, but I still feel bad for her to have to adjust for the first little while. Poor little fuzzball.

The kids have adjusted wonderfully to being back in school and I am really loving having some time to myself, it is pure heaven, and NO, I feel no guilt(well maybe a little;) for saying that. haha. But seriously, it's FUCKING GREAT!!!! Yes I love my kids and all, yada yada yada, whatever, it's FUCKING GREAT!! Did I already say that?? hardehar.
So yeah, Rock and Roll aint noise pollution peeps.