Good lord. This past month has been total crap. I have never felt so miserable for so long ever before in my life. It was awful. I would think it was ending and it would come back even worse than before. My poor family was suffering, never mind me. I got in early to see my doctor and she started me on Celexa to see if it would help. If it doesn't do it all, she said maybe a mild BC pill to balance the hormones a bit. I finally reached the point where I just didn't care if I took something, I was totally unable to manage it on my own. It was a low point. I then was struck by a nasty head cold and have been down for the count most of the weekend. I am coming out the other side now and am starting to feel a bit less like a mutant. I know it has been building for years, the momentum started to really build with the births of the kids, and it was just a matter of time before I had to do something about it, so I guess now is the time. I feel relieved that maybe I won't be so volatile and irritable because it is not who I am or wish to be.
Puppygirl Casey is cute as hell and growing like mad. The kids are sweet and thankfully forgiving of their crazy mother, and my husband is sweet and supportive and taking great care of me, so I have nothing real to complain about. That's the really ridiculous thing about anxiety and depression. So often we can't think of a good reason to feel that way, yet there it is. It's part of what drives the stigma, the embarrassment one feels. Thinking you should just buck up or whatever, but you can't seem to. That you're weak, or self indulgent, those are things I have thought about depression. I grew up with a depressed mother, and resented her for it. But really I more resented her for just laying down and dying than anything else. So I can't blame others if they think them. But in the end, you have to do what it takes. I can honestly say that if it wasn't for my kids, I would continue suffering and plodding like so many others do in order to save some sort of face. Seeing the looks on their faces when I was at my worst this past couple of weeks, well that made the decision for me. I wasn't the only one suffering, I was taking everyone else along with me. Just like my mom did. Not cool.
Happy Fall everyone. Best season of the year.
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8 comments:
I was going to blog about this today but just couldn't...having my own hormonal warfare. A few days this week I just was the bitchiest person anyone could imagine. I think it's probably time I hit the doctor as well:(
I'm glad you got some help with this. I was really worried about you. We are not our mothers, you and I.
The girls are both catching colds too. I hope Darin doesn't get it! That would suck for him. Glad things are perking up for you. Pooch pics please!!
Hey kiddo, glad to see you got something - that's the hardest part. when i went to get medication for anxiety, i felt like such a loser. that was 10 yrs ago, before anyone talked about it, but i admit that my own doctor now doesn't know about it, other than I need something for the dentist... such stigma.
anyway, good for you. rock on my friend, you are awesome always!
Oh Devo, I'm really glad that you are coming out of it. I love what Rox said, we are not our mothers. In my best of times I just feel compassion for them.
I have been there too. I'm having a hard time blogging because it's all just tragic and whiny. I never thought that about you, I just figured the dog was keeping you busy. I missed reading you though.
Anyway, I'm sending hugs. Good on you for breaking the cycle!
I've been down off and on for a while now. I always think it's situational or hormonal or something.
I have that medication stigma. It's pretty dumb though cause I know some people it's really helped.
I'm glad that you're giving this a try. Please keep us posted on the results. Some of us may need to follow suit.
it saddens me to think of you or others being in pain and being made to feel even worse for getting some help for it. we certainly wouldn't think this if someone needed insulin or something similar to keep the body in balance.
you're getting yourself strong for you, and for your family. and that is huge. i wish you well, friend.
I think you rock. I didn't take anything for years...and then when I got married I decided I didn't want my depression to take a toll on my marriage and so I took Lexapro for about 8 months. It's the best thing I ever did. I went off and don't feel like I need it now. But if it rears its ugly head again I will RUN back to the doctor. I just wish I had done it sooner.
Hope it has kicked in by now and you are feeling good.
Oh man Devo...
I've written about my own troubles with this... and the "friends" who said I had no reason to be like that. "You are bitter and unpleasant to be around."
Can you imagine them saying that to someone with cancer? or someone who broke their arm?
What is it about the chemicals in our brain that we are supposed to have some control over? Like Patricia said, would we nag someone who needed insulin?
I'm glad it's helping. I was on all kinds of meds for a while; and I too would go running back if I felt it was time for them again.
Take care of yourself.
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