sky

Here's a pic from my trip while back. I love the sky. I have no idea why this is underlining itself but whatever. The sky has been doing all sorts of fancy and beautiful things this past while and I could look at it for hours, given the time and solitude. Happy Friday everyone!

I have issues

News flash, right?? haha.

If you read Rox, then you already know the story. Thing is, I am feeling completely out of sorts about not knowing why or how this guy died, and feeling sick for his family, and then there's all the other stuff. Like him being my first love and my "first". Then being sorely disappointed to realize how screwed up he was but spending way too long trying to "fix" him, until I made myself so crazy and him too , that it all ended horribly and hatefully. I held on to that resentment for many many years, and partly because of the problems our relationship had caused between me and my parents. Last year, I decided to bury the hatchet and contact him. Part of me wanted him to still love me and a bigger part of me wanted him to be happy and not living in the past anymore. It quickly became apparent that he was still firmly entrenched and really wanted to meet up and spend time together. I knew what it meant and it scared the hell out of me, but I thought well maybe if I just try to talk to him and explain my side, I can"fix" all of it now. News flash, I have issues. And now I feel guilty for once again writing him off and deserting him in all his depression and dysfunction. I'm afraid he took his life and left his two children and the woman who has loved him all these years and that I may be partly to blame even though it was never my intention to hurt him. I feel so yukky and bewildered and enslaved by all this crap from the past. All these weird feelings and thoughts are running through my mind, and I don't like it much.

I hope he's in a better place and he knows I tried to be what I was able to for him, both times around.

I hope he finally feels peace.

I hope there really is a heaven for him, he was never really that happy here on earth.

I hope he knows I'm sorry that I hurt him in order to save myself.

I hope his kids and wife make it through ok.

Rest in peace, DDS.

Gone

Last Monday she got her terminal diagnosis. Last night she died at home. Her 15 month old daughter is there but she had no chance to write a letter for her or make a video or even say goodbye with a kiss. When they thought it might be back in September her parents took the baby back east since she was sick and in pain. Then they told her it looked like maybe it wasn't back but she still felt so sick and had so much pain while they waited for tests that she couldn't care for the baby so she stayed put with the grandparents. By the time they got her back to her mother it was too late. I've never met them but I feel such incredible pain about it. I cried on and off all day with K as she talked about it with tears rolling down her face. We have no coverage for her so she had to come to work but left early so she could help the family. She lost her mother the same way, and very quickly, when she was 16 years old. My heart is aching for them all. Even the thought of leaving my children behind makes me throb inside. I wish cancer would fuck off.

Chicken Little

Holy crap.

I have PMS. It's a cranky time, but not a psycho cranky time so I can't really complain.

My life is so busy and will be for the next couple of weeks as I'm covering holidays for someone so am working more than I really wish to. I am having a really hard time finding time to go to that gym I joined and it's rankling me because the desire is there, but the means is not. I'm going to a yoga class in the morning though and I hear you have to get there early to get a spot on the floor so I hope I make it in.

My kids are so excited about the massive sugar blast tomorrow! They party and binge all day at school so they're good and fucked up before you even get them home. Then you try to force some broccoli into them and clean the crumbs and drool off their wrinkled costumes and forge out into the cold to fill bags and buckets full of tooth decaying crap. WOOHOO! What a party it is though. I remember how fun it was for us and I get it, but as a parent it feels a bit obscene to me. haha.

A woman I work with just found out her 31 year old SIL who has a 1 year old baby has terminal cancer. Fuck. That is so not fair. I know she also lost her mother to cancer so this is just so not cool. I didn't know what to say to her and I didn't want to make her cry. It's fucking awful. Damn cancer anyways.

We were talking today about all this crap talk about how our premier is upping the oil and gas royalties in our province, and now all the oil and gas people are fucking crying about it and saying they'll have to leave so they can make money, and we better be careful what we support because our costs will increase if it happens, blah fucking blah. I call bullshit first off. So they make a few million less, they still make a fuck of a lot of money so boo hoo. And also, maybe if they want to go elsewhere, they should. Then maybe we can support some alternative energy sources that won't vaporize the damn planet and they can lose their friggin monopoly and we can call it a success. I don't buy that propaganda that starts up every time big business thinks their bottom line is going to suffer, and all of a sudden the damn sky is falling. WHAT-EVER!
I wish people in this province would pull their greedy heads out of their asses sometimes.

Rant over. Whew, I feel better now.
Caio babies.

I love annie

I know, I know. I have not changed religions, not that I had one to begin with. I am not anti-blogging, I am not sad, I am not injured, I am just so friggin busy that I barely have time to pee. Other that life being super busy lately, I am doing great, for all of those who care. And I thank you for caring, I really do. :)

After I returned from my wonderful beautiful weekend of quiet, I fell headfirst into planning a party, working too much, catching up on housework, volunteer duties at the school, and both kids starting their respective winter activities. My son is playing hockey for the first time this year and is totally loving it, but it is a bit of a time hog, so it's all another schedule juggle in our busy lives. We spend last weekend getting a playground built at the school so it's just been super hectic. Thank God for the drugs. And I mean that whole heartedly!!!

I feel like the me I was supposed to be all these years. I have little to no anxiety at all, I am able to get angry and then drop it without flying into a red rage, I am not paranoid about others and what they think of me anymore. I can still laugh, likely more than I did before, and I can still cry so it's not like I've flattened out. I wish I had done it 20 years ago, I really do. I suffered for no good reason and I am so happy I finally admitted that I needed help. Wow. I am now feeling like I am the person I have always strived to be. I don't panic at the mere thought of vulnerability or opening up too much. It is just so great and I see the difference already in my family because of it.

I have had two horribly obnoxious and nasty colds in the past month and a half so I am hoping the snot is all done with until the New Year! I lost my voice for almost an entire week and that was hard for me, but I think my kids loved it-haha!

Today I did the recycling pickups and then went with the car to the give and take at our local depot. I found some goodies and I was struggling to get them into my little car to no avail. This older couple pulled up beside me and asked where I lived cuz they wanted to load up my stuff and drive it home for me. How freaking cool is that?? Before, I would have felt like crying accepting such a nice gesture and then felt anxious about accepting and a whole myriad of crap. Today I felt overjoyed and buoyant and thankful and that was all. It is magnificent!! I got a solid wood sideboard with sliding doors and a lovely little drawing desk on casters for the kids. Both are solid wood and in great shape and will look awesome after a nice coat of paint. SCORE!! Life is good today, I'm tellin' ya. Now I am heading back to pick up a nice white door I saw there that I am going to put legs on and use as a craft/art table so I can have my supplies at the ready and organized!!! I am cranked up on all this today!!

I have been listening to the new Annie Lennox cd all morning and it is pure gold, absolutely beautiful and full of loveliness. All the sisters and maybe even some of the brothers need to listen to this one, it is worth every cent I spent buying it in hard copy.

The sun is shining, and this day is rolled out before me. Have a great one everyone!

The weekend was sooooo relaxing. Who knew I could sleep so much if left to my own devices? I didn't draw as much as I had thought I would, but I wrote, read, took copious amounts of photos, and shopped to my heart's desire, mostly just browsing, but it was so relaxing to just do whatever I wanted and not be on a schedule at all.
I left late Friday and headed north on a scenic secondary highway, stopping a lot along the way to take pics, and change my music. I ended up in Lacombe, which is a small town of about 10000, and has a lot of historic buildings and is very quaint and pretty. I found a B & B on a farm west of town, run by a couple who are originally from Holland, as so many of the farmers in the area are. I had a comfy little room and my own bathroom, and a main sitting area for all guests to use. The only other people there were fresh off the plane from Holland, in Canada for a month of touring, and spoke very little English, but were very nice and we attempted some conversation, which was fun for me.
I slept over 10 hours the first night. When I woke up, I looked out the window at the trees all around and saw a horse outside of the window, the sun shining over the whole thing, with a shine of morning dew. It was so peaceful and pretty, exactly what I wanted to wake up to. After a huge yummy breakfast, I headed out with camera and sketchbook for a long walk down the country roads and some picture taking and sketching, and came back to sit and draw. It didn't take long before I was asleep again, for about 3 hours!!! After that, I headed into town and toured about, and the rest of my trip was more of the same, shopping, resting, writing, sleeping, eating, all good.
I came home feeling so rested and relaxed and I thought to myself, this needs to become a yearly tradition for me. So damn good to be with just yourself sometimes.
I'll try to get some pics downloaded and posted in the next few days, it's back to real life and my sometimes crazy schedule.
Hope you all had a great weekend too. I got the new Joni Mitchell cd for my journey, it is really sad and thoughtful and a great listen. I also finally picked up Amy Winehouse, and it is also a great listen, that girl can sing.
Peace out people.

I'm off

And no, I don't mean my rocker, although I can't blame anyone who thinks as such-har har.

I am not even a blogger. I can't even pretend to be. I am making it a weekly thing these days. I'm much more voyeurist than performer, apparently.

I am flying the coop tomorrow. I have managed to avoid any real planning of any sort, and am really hoping that it doesn't bite me on the ass real hard about 10 pm tomorrow night when I can't find a room to sleep in. Pray for me. heehee. I am feeling nervous and excited. I am flying solo all the way, for three whole nights. All alone. Sounds really nice, yet I am so not used to being alone for longer than a couple of hours that I am a bit worried that I will feel lonely, and I don't want to waste my sabbatical on petty emotions such as loneliness. I want to savour it, enjoy it, live in the moments, and take them in.

Since I have no plan and wish to not feel rushed in any way, I am going to the gym in the morning for a nice workout and then coming to get ready at a nice leisurely pace, then doing some last minute prep shopping and packing. It may be dinner time before I get my lazy ass out of town and I just don't care. I aint cooking the dinner, and that's all that matters, mofo's!! haha.

My hubby had already taken the Fri and Mon off for me to go on the wine tour I jammed out on, so I am free to roam the rangelands until sometime Monday. It just feels bizarre to me, it's almost like some sort of out of body thing, usually he's all worried and wanting to know the plan and what and where and why and how and he is totally laid back about it as well. I love it.

I will try to post some pics on here when I get back, I have been busy with life since me little breakdown and can barely find time to my basic maintenance these days it seems. I deserve a break me thinks. And a kitkat bar.

Ciao for now and have a fantasmigorical weekend!!